M - What was I made for?

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

Having been in the background for the past few weeks had allowed him to heal properly. And as soon as he was back to his full health, it was expected for him to pick up duties again. Yet, something had shifted. He had started to train again, regaining some of his strength but still being as lanky as before. Shyam wasn't able to pick up duty properly again. And after everything his mother had put him through, he didn't want that either. Such a monster she was, really. He had sworn to protect him from that day onwards. They had talked about running away together. Start their own little life together. If only things were as easy as that. He had simply smiled upon his belovest when they talked about such things, as it felt like a far away promise neither of them would most likely never meet. Yet, for now, he would support the other wherever he would go. If he ever needed something, needed him, he would be there. But as of now, it was impossible to leave it all behind. Such a pain, really.

And he had been without him for weeks now. Falling into a very dark mindset once more as loneliness as had set in faster then any disease. It had resulted in him turning back to what he knew; his duties. And he had thrown himself into it with full force. Wiping the guard back into shape as much as possible and quickly being back to his stuck up ways. That soft gaze in his eyes had faded, only to leave an empty void behind. He didn't want to work for a nation that had nothing for him. Yet, he was stuck in a place where he had no way of escaping such fate. Bound by his family name, there was little he could do about it. The best possible outcome was for him to be better than the one before. Even if it was going to be hard, perhaps even impossible. All he could do was try. Like he had tried to escape, break out of the norm. He was bound to be succesful, at least once, right? He sighed at the thought, looking himself up and down in the mirror. Right. Success.

The Vylasar had barely been on the wedding of his brother. Being a depressed mess at the time, no-one had really missed him as he had left as soon as the ceremony was over. He had been in a dark place and maybe he still was, but he could no longer show it to the people around him. So he had pushed it back, let it fester in the back of his mind. He had a lot of lost time to make up for. And where a lot of his family had left for Xaila, Myrddin had to remain in the city. Because he had to heal. His body was stronger now, after so many weeks after the accident. And perhaps his mind too. It had been so long since he last cried, it felt like he had been completely drained. Just an empty vessel was left. Feeling the void that his lost love had left behind. When was the last time he had even smiled? Did it even matter? If there had been one thing that he had learned from it all, it was that his feelings didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. So, it was better to just remain as he was now; an empty husk who was ready to do as he was told. If he didn't feel, he couldn't get hurt anymore, after all.

After he had done some of his duties, he had taken his staff and walked to the familiar fountain he had drawn so many times before. Decorated with small sculptures of different breeds of whales, he looked it over once more, as if it was his first time observing the snow white stone. Tilting his head ever so slightly he let his free hand run along the edges of it. His grey eyes, looking on at every detail. Slowly taking note of it as he had done so many time before, when he had come to paint and sketch the beautiful scene in front of him. A guard had asked him if he had been on his way to work on some of his art, as he had done so many times before, but he had simply shaken his head. He hadn't touched his sketchbook nor his pencils ever since the wedding day. The last real drawings he had made were of the happy couple, some flowers and Shy. After which he closed the book and never opened it for since then. It pained him to look back on memories that would soon start to fade, even if he didn't want them to. He hated this lonely path he had chosen.

Sitting down on the edge of the fountain he leaned forward, observing the patched up staff that his mother had taken in after the accident. He hadn't summoned yet, as he wasn't sure what his familiar would do once it held life again. He could feel how angry she was. And she wanted to be let out. Knowing what kind of things she could do, he wisely kept her from the world, for now. That bright soft light that she held, was fierce and intense now. Myrddin was sure that it would start a fire as soon as she got out. She had been put in a prison as the staff had been broken. And after, she had been kept hostage. And she had feasted on all those negative emotions and thoughts that had presented itself in his mind. Perhaps she wasn't a great and dangerous creature like the ones his brother and cousins had. But compared to those feral beasts, she came closer to being human. She was too smart for her own good. And in some ways he feared her for that.

He had put his staff to the side and put his hair up, which had recently dyed black thanks to moon magic. Why? He wasn't entirely sure. Maybe it was way for him to deal with all these pent up emotions. Maybe it was to reject his mother, pushing away one of the things he had received from her. His golden coloured hair had always been such a give away that he was her son. That, and those awful eyes. Luckily, he looked mostly like his father. Having often heard that he was copy of him. And after he had changed his hair colour, it had even happened that someone had called him Quillen. It was odd, but he didn't mind it all. At least something he could be proud about. He looked like someone he had always seen as grand, great, fantastical. To be like a father he had never known. The stories he had heard would always tell him of how strong he was. The type of man everyone admired. Having a powerful tiger as his familiar, he held a regal presence to him. So, to hear that name being reflected on him, a soft glowing pride remained within him. He had always hated being seen as the son of the governess. Or well, he hated being the son of Aurelia. Now he could finally start to step away from that. He was the son of his father. A grand man who had passed away too soon. He knew that he would at least him proud, in the end.

He got up from the fountain, loosening up his muscles he slowly stepped away. Swinging his staff he started to practice some fighting moves with the glorified stick. Having thought about it, it was actually not a bad idea to learn how to defend himself with it. Carrying around both a spear and staff at all times wasn't always convenient. So, combining training with some weapon practice he moved around. He knew this fountain wasn't really part of the castle grounds, it would mean that anyone could walk in on him, but he didn't care. As long as he didn't do his signature dance, he wouldn't summon Maeve. And the day would end into another dull evening. An uneventful day, in a very empty life. He had gotten used to it by now. Right? Right.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Not a knight, not a guard. Due to his predicament he had been barred from doing his duties. Which he hated. There was only the constant taunting voice in the back of his head. The voice that told him that he was no good at what he did, that he had failed in every task that was placed before him. That he had almost risked the life of the one person he loved so dearly. Something that kept going on, day and night. Shyam was taunted by nightmares of her. Taunted by the helplessness he had felt when he had found Myrddin. And while he had been angry when he had been locked away, putting all his energy into staying fit. Now, weeks later there was no trace of it anymore. He barely ate, barely left the house. Barely did anything. The only thing the now white-haired man did was lay on his bed, or sit down by the window staring outside. Which wasn’t because he didn’t want to do anything. No, it was simply caused by fear. The fear of leaving the house and possibly walking into Lady Vylasar or worse, Ezekiel.

It had been weeks since he had seen Myrddin as well. Something he didn’t understand. Had he abandoned him as well? Perhaps. That thought alone pushed him even deeper. His father had no clue on what to do with the boy. If anything he wanted to help, but Shyam simply pushed everyone away at first glance. The only living being he talked to had been his loyal dog. Yet untimely he had been taken to soon, which had left him in the darkest spot he probably had ever been. Perhaps he was no better than his stupid cousin anyway? Perhaps he could just wither away here. No one would come look for him, nor would anyone care for his passing apart from his father that was. Perhaps it was for the best?

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

After a while he slowed down his movements. Putting the staff down as he took calm breathes, focus on the ground below him. His mind had calmed down, but that didn't really say much. It had just been on the same boring thing, over and over. Work, duty. The things he had sworn to do as soon as he had been born. Not in his words, but the one from his family. And in a way he finally yielded. No longer able to keep pushing back, try making a difference and all that. He had become the good heir his family wanted of him, hadn't he? Keeping his pretty little mouth shut and all that. Not that he could do much to begin with. He had been born cursed and he would always remain that way. His cure being the magic he had. Yet, it had been poisoned as well. Poisoned by his own mind, his own dirty, fucked up mind. Oh, how he hated himself. He was no better than the people he despised. Not better than Ezekiel, not better than his mother. It was in his blood to be this disgusting, wasn't it?

He had been staring out in front of himself for quite some time, not even noticing that someone had approached him. He turned his head slowly, making eye contact with the familiar man. It was Shyam's father. He nodded at the old man, bowing his head in a way to show his respect to his elder. When the young man looked back at the other, he saw a bittersweet expression on his face. "I'm not sure I can ever get used to you doing that," His expression remained unchanged as the old man spoke. "You seem really well, young lord," He nodded at him, his eyes focused on the lower part of the others face so he wouldn't have to meet his gaze. He seemed well, but that was just it right? An illusion. He had gotten good at it too. "I wanted to invite you over for tea, if you have the time," He could ask why, but they both knew why the offer was made. Now it was more a thing if he wanted to do this or leave it as be.

Myrddin wanted nothing more then to agree. His mind longed to see his beloved again, after all. But he had sworn to himself that it was better this way. Leaving him in a safer place, without him, as he would always cause harm to him. His existence alone had done so much damage to the other, most likely more bad than good. And he knew that the other had worried for his safety, his health, his well being. But that also went the other way around. Without all the bad, Myr knew that they made each other into better people, because, at least for him, it made loving himself so much easier. And he hated that this world wasn't made for them. But he had learned to accept it as it was. His shattered heart had already given up it's quest to try and heal itself. To remain numb and broken was easier anyway. And so, it was also easy to simply agree. He had time, after all, and the Efrain family was known for their loyal service to their family. Perhaps the father had more in mind than a simple heart to heart.

Arriving at the estate he looked around for a moment. Glancing at every detail the house held. His stomach turned when he realized this was the first time he had seen the others home. All those time they had spent together and all the deep moments they had held together, and yet they had al been in the safety of what he knew. Because he was more important, he had been the one Shyam had served. It made him feel sick, as he hated the idea of the other simply being a pawn in the grand scheme of things. Roles, titles and all that shit just made him feel disgusted about himself. It also made him question how much the other did simply to keep him pleased, because he had been his superior. He hoped that everything that had been between them was real, of course. But there was always a possibility. Had he ever abused his title to get what he wanted from the other? Not that he could remember, but it did make him doubt himself, even if it was just for a moment.

He had hoped that the man kept his word. For tea and tea only. But he was led to a room instead. The dark haired man looked down at the other, who simply stared back at him with pleading eyes. It made him almost anxious as he had no idea what he would encounter behind that door. Averting his gaze from the other he looked on as the other went inside first. "Shyam, we have company, will you join us for tea?" the man simply asked. Myrddin remained where he was. His hands neatly folded behind his back, his head high and his expression calm. There was no trace of the insecure broken man he had been only a few weeks ago. So much could happen in so little time. One thing Myr did note was that Finn didn't seem to be around. His eyes focused on some of the items he could see from where he was standing. But there was no real trace that there was a dog living here. No noise, nothing. It made him feel even more uneasy then he already was.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Shyam had heard his father leave. Which was.. weird. Ever since everything happened his father had been reluctant to leave his son alone. Afraid of what he might find when he’d get home again. As Shyam heard the door fall shut a faint sigh slipped his lips. Staring up at the ceiling of his room, one that was covered in darkness apart from a small ray of light that came through the curtain. But that was the only light he got, apart from his father who came in every evening to light a candle. For a moment he glanced at the small pile of blankets a bit further away. Finn’s blankets. Which stupidly made him tear up once more, curling up to a little ball and closing his eyes.

The next moment he opened them up was the moment he heard the door crack again, followed by two different sets of footsteps making him frown. One was his father, the other he couldn’t quite pinpoint as easily. Making him sit up a bit. Until he was summoned for tea, making his eyebrow shot up. His father knew better than to simply call on him like that certainly in this state. The whole time was by now talking about the boy with the white hair. Why would he put himself on display even more?

’Not in the mood father.’ The man muttered softly, plopping back down on his bed. Which made the elder man straighten his back. Furrowing his brow as his gaze moved back to Myrddin, pleading eyes still in place. ’My lord.. is there a possibility you could ask him? He won’t leave his room ever since he returned home and then with Finn’s passing.. It’s like he’s not my boy anymore..’

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

It was so quiet here compared to the castle. Smaller, everything felt more... Personal. Which was most likely normal for a household like this. Myrddin thought back of the things Shy had told him in the past. Of how he had trained and what he had done, mocking him in return whenever the blond would voice concern for the smallest things. Like sleeping on beds made of hay or eating food that he didn't like. In those moments it had felt like one was down to earth, while the other was just a spoiled brat. But in reality, the worlds they both lived in were just so very different. Both sharing the same air, the same soil, the same earth... But not the same reality. And when they had shared a bed, shared love, the young Vylasar had dreamed of making the other part of a new reality; their reality. Just for the two of them. A place where no-one would judge them. Where they could have picnics in public instead of stuffy old castle towers and where they could hold eachothers hand whenever they wanted.

Wishful thinking, a childlike wish, because reality wasn't made for dreaming. He understood that now more then ever before.

Hearing Shyam's voice made him swallow slowly quietly, looking down at the wooden floor for a moment. His neatly polished boots, which were made of some of the finest leather, looked foreign to him, even if it was just for a second. As if this body wasn't his own. The things he had done, the pain he had caused. How could he still stand here with so much pride, wearing the finest clothing and a face which was neatly corrected with the slightest hints of make-up. He closed his eyes, feeling the weight of all he had done wheigh heavy on his shoulders. Perhaps he never physically laid a hand on anyone, but there wasn't even one thing he could think of in his life that he didn't mess up. Anything he touched, broke eventually. He had nothing to be prideful of. Nothing to deserve these beautiful things. Because in the end, it didn't matter how pretty he was. He was still disgusting, on the inside, and that would never change. He was sure of that, and he hated it... But he had found peace through it all. It was ok to stop fighting. It wasn't going to get better, that was a certainty.

When the older man spoke, he looked back up. Seeing the pleading eyes again he averted his gaze. His expressionn remained unchanged, but he felt neasous. He wanted to leave, avoid the problem all together, but the words the other said to him. Lord. He hated being called lord... A humble request was asked of him, could he ask him? His grey eyes wandered across the doorframe, listening on to what the old man said. Finn had passed away. Myrddin blinked a few times, his mouth felt dry as he tried to swallow again. The news was brought so casually, as if it was just another animal that had randomly passed away. Myrddin was so caught off guard by the news that his posture changed a bit. Even if it hadn't been for long, they had shared the responsibility of Finn... And the young Vylasar had come to adore the creature as if it was his own, even if he didn't admit it. Protecting him fiercely against anyone or anything when he was bound to the bed, and him doing the same when he had recovered enough. Myrddin had never had a pet before, he had never been allowed to have one. So, in a way, the energetic creature had been his first... He hadn't even got the chance to say goodbye.

He looked back at the old man, who claimed Shyam wasn't his boy anymore. Myrddin blinked a few times, tears burning behind his eyes. He fought desperately to keep them at bay, not wanting to shed any in front of the elder Efrain. He simply nodded at him and took a deep breath trying to suck in all the emotions within him. He would be an asshole if he cried now. He had no right to cry, after all. This was all his fault. Because of him, this man's son had been mutilated beyond repair. Because of the things he had done, Shyam had been broken down to nothing more than a husk of his former self. He was a murderer and perhaps the worst one out there. Killing someone was easy, after all. You just had to know where to aim. But to actually murder someone... Now that was something entirely different. His Shy, his beloved Shy, had been locked up in that tower, but he had never walked back out of there. And he had been powerless to stop it all. A reminder of how his existance alone caused harm to others.

He stepped forward, walking past the father of the other as he nodded at him again. One hand on the door he opened it slightly more, revealing himself to the other. His grey eyes went over him, a shell of a man he had once knew. His stomach turned again, but he forced himself to keep on moving. Looking behind him for a moment as he decided to close the door a bit, but not push it shut completely. The sorcerer turned back at the other, who was seated on his bed. The now black haired man stepped forward, coming to a halt a bit away from him. His eyes focused on the other, it felt strange how composed and calm he was. He looked down at him, blinking a few times before bowing his head, eventually going to a fullblown bow as he showed his respect through a greeting which was normally served for people like him. A lot of people did this towards him. And there was only a handful of others in this world he had bowed for. Such as the king and prince when he was younger. Gestures like these were reserved for royalty, after all.

He looked back up, his eyes looking over the others face as he swallowed again. Lifting his hands slowly he now noticed that they were trembling. He glanced at them, before looking away. 'I'm sorry of Finn, my condolences,' he signed at him. It felt unfair for him to say anything else, mention anything else. He felt like an intruder already.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Tea. He had no clue what his father was on about. But in this state of mind he wasn’t any good company. Nor did he even remotely look like himself. He was thinner than he had ever been, there was no trace of any muscles whatsoever. Not like before, not like when he had been training on the daily. If anything the man was only a fraction of what he used to be and even that was an overstatement. Finn had been his last real connection to the real world, the reason why he had to go outside. But after finding him on his little bed made of blankets not moving. That last sliver of light had disappeared as well. Leaving nothing. A broken man in a broken world. For a brief moment his fist clenched into the sheets. No, he appreciated that he was still being thought about but in this state, it wouldn’t do anyone any good.

But apparently his father was persistent someone walked into his room and he frowned. Not his father. Where he had wanted to yell to the other to get out, the moment he noticed the familiar movements and everything he fell still. Myrddin. As he bowed for him he frowned, What was he doing here? Why on earth was he bowing for him? What the heck was going on? Was this some foul joke that was being played on him? Was it even him? His hair all dark, not a hint of the man he had once known. For some reason he was getting angry, angry at the world for this sick joke. Which made him get up in an instant. Wrong move. Due to the fact he barely ate or drank anything, his blood sugar dropped and black dots appeared in front of his eyes. Making him stumble back. Losing all sense of direction and landing with his ass on the ground, which made him groan. Back resting against the bed.

The black dots were still dancing in front of his eyes, but what he did make out of the person in front of him was that it was indeed him. Which caused a hint of relief to be noticeable in his face before he did black out altogether.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

Looking down at the other he had never imagined to see Shyam like this. He was so... Small. So fragile. He knew that he was taller than him, but the difference had never felt that big as the other had quite the bulk to him. Now, it was all gone. Just skin and bones. His face didn't look like his own, only carrying certain features that he recognized and loved so dearly. From what he could see the other was pale too, he just didn't look well. He wondered if he had looked like that too after the accident. He doubted it. He had been depressed, sure, but not as much as the man in front of him. There wasn't even a single piece of him that remained. Or maybe, for a moment, he did. A flicker of anger behind those empty eyes. It wasn't much, but he knew it was justified. He hated him, didn't he? Of course he did, he hated himself too. He could only understand that the other did as well. His grey eyes remaining focused on him as he tried to remain unshaken. He had promised himself to not do this again.

But then, the other stood up, quite rapidly so. Myrddin blinked a few times, clearly surprised by the fact the other did. The action didn't remain for long as the skinny man stumbled back and fell to the floor. The sorcerer tried to step forward and catch him, but was too late to do so as the other collapsed on the floor. Ah... Darn idiot. He squatted down, tilting his head as he heard the other groan. That really must have been painful. When the other looked back at him, his expression changed again. Not to anger or sadness, but something that came close to relief. He frowned as he looked on to the weak man, before noticing that he passed out. A sigh left his lips as he slowly came closer, his hand slowly reaching up as he pushed the light coloured hairs back. Seeing the fragile features on his face made his stomach turn once again. His thumb tracing along his cheek, before hovering over his soft lips. He looked away, taking his hand back to. It wasn't his to begin with.

He leaned forward, gently pulling the other in closer as he lifted him up. The old wounds on his legs crying out in resistance. He clenched his jaw, shaking his head before placing the other in his bed. He let his hand slip to the back of the others head, gently lifting it up as to check for any bruises or wounds. He didn't see any blood, so that was a good sign. After making sure the other was fine he stood up, grabbing the little notebook and pencil from his pocket he started to scribble words down before opening the door and showing it the elder man; 'I can't stay for too long, sir, people will wonder where I am,' A harsh truth, a burden he had to carry for what he was born as. 'Has a healer had a look at him yet?' the man nodded. Of course he had. But this kind of damage couldn't be healed by magic or potions. Or well. There was one he could think of that could fix it. But finding a moon elf like that with such magic was nearly impossible. Myrddin nodded at the other before writing once more. 'If you don't mind, I would like to have my tear in private with him,' the other nodded, bowing his head slightly to the man. Privacy was the only thing Myrddin really wanted here. Even if it was just for a short time.

Seated next to the bed he had moved the table closer. Two cups were placed on top, each steaming with hot tea as the porcelain teapot was placed in the middle. Some food was arranged on a plate, mostly biscuits. Myrddin wasn't one to eat such things, he was quite picky with what he ate, but maybe he figured that Shyam would want some once he woke up. His eyes remained focused on his own cup, looking down at the swirling steam that came from it as a finger traced along the edge of the porcelain item. He didn't dare to look up. Afraid that if he looked at the other for too long, he might feel that little rush within his heart. He wasn't ready for another heartbreak yet.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

The slight loving touch passed by him completely as he laid there in the arms of the other. Shallow breathing, but still out like a light. Not realizing he was back to being placed on his bed. It felt like he had fallen into the deep abyss. Like the darkness had finally caught up with him and didn’t want to let him go anymore. His body was still responsive that was for sure, as was his mind. But that little kickstart it needed stayed out. Shyam just laid there, slightly wheezing breath. But apart from that it looked like he was as close to being dead as he had ever been. Perhaps this was simply how it should be. That he should never wake up from this anymore, the last thing he had seen, the man who loved him. Just for that alone he felt like he could let go. Not that it was a possibility right now. But for some reason he felt more ready to just disappear from this earth entirely than to go for just a second longer.

After what felt like an eternity his eyes flickered open again. Being met by the smell of tea which made his stomach flip over again. Eyes moving to the cup, the biscuits and then finally the face he had wanted to see from the start. ’Myrddin..’ His voice was weak and hoarse, but for him it would be audible. The man put all his focus to raising his hand, bring it closer to the other. But only that little fraction of movement caused him to sigh softly. Fingertips barely touching the side of the other his leg. Feeling tears well up in his eyes.

’I thought..’ The man stared down, trying to keep the tears at bay. But his body decided otherwise, a stupid tear rolling over his cheek. And another one.. And another one. ’Do you want to be here?’ The man whispered, voice as fragile as the man looked himself.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

The other remained as he was, no movement or real sound coming from him, apart from the slight wheezing his lungs produced. He glanced over at him, for just a second. Wondering if it were better if he just called someone, a healer, to take a look at him. Yet, Myrddin knew that what the other had wasn't something moon magic could fix. He was weak, perhaps even at death's doorstep. Perhaps they could give him a little more time, but to get better... That was something that was up to the mage. He blinked a few times as he raised the cup of tea up, sipping slowly from the warm beverage. He cursed himself to have such useless magic right about now. Sure, he was a sorcerer, granted with dragon magic and respected by many. But what would a mighty beast do in a situation like this? If only he had been born human, maybe he could have learned to be a mage. He would have been able to heal or make illusions or do whatever he wanted. But now he was bound to be something he didn't want to be. All because he was born with that cursed magic he was supposed to be proud of.

Placing the cup back down he heard his name. The man turned his head as he looked over at the white haired man. He looked even more like a mess then before and it made him feel sad and angry at the same time. Sad that this was all his fault, angry at the world that this could have happened. He averted his gaze slowly, not even noticing how the other reached for him. It pained him to see him like this. He had dismissed him because of his safety, his health. And now all he saw was a pile of skin and bones that danced around with his own fragile life. Why didn't he take care of himself...? He could understand it was hard after everything that happened. BUt he couldn't just... GIve up, right? He still had so much more to live for, so much more things to do. Shyam could go out, find love again and pick up an easy job far away from here. He could start over, forget all of this ever happened and live his happy ever after. And yet, he was still here. Overtaken by sorrow and pain of loss and trauma. It was fucked up, in a way, but Myrddin felt slightly jealous of the other. If he had been in his place he would have already tried and make a change... At least that's what he liked to believe.

Shyam spoke again, hearing the sadness in his voice, the sorcerer pulled his shoulders up a bit as he looked down at his lap. He could hear the tears rolling down the others cheeks. He could feel all that pain and all that sorrow simply by being here. He swallowed, but the lump in his throat didn't vanish. Did he want to be here? He didn't move, didn't even look up when the other asked that of him. He didn't want anything, really. He had learned that what he wanted didn't matter in the end. So... Why did he even ask? People just decided for him, after all. His grey eyes slowly lifted from his lap as he looked at the cup once more. An astray fragmant of tea floating on the surface as steam curled around it, forming tiny little shapes in the dim light that came pouring through the window. He followed the movements of the small piece through the delicately crafted thing. His mind going over everything he could say or do in this moment to try and fix this. But there was nothing. He wasn't made to heal and mend. These hands, they were made to only create pain; through words, through gestures... Even without a voice he had still found a way to let his vile thoughts be heard. He despised himself.

The leaf started to sink, slowly being pulled under by the weight of the liquid around it. Vanishing beneat the surface, it's twirling movements slowed as it started to sink to the bottom, where it would remain. The young heir lowered his gaze from the cup as he slowly turned his head to the other. Lifting his hands he started to sign, his eyes didn't even focus on him. 'Why do you do this to yourself?' He asked. Not knowing what else he could ask of him. 'You know we can't, we always knew. So please, don't make this any harder then it already is,' Their love, what they had, it had always been just a fleeting moment. A blissful fraction of sunny days in a life that was filled with thunderstorms. They couldn't remain in a fantasy like that, not when the hurricanes were closing in on them. If they knew, they would tear them apart... And he couldn't bare to see the other broken like that again. 'I'm sorry,' He couldn't keep doing this. He had to grow up, move on, for duty, for family, for his safety. He had to.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness again, he could see the other more clearly. His hair as black as the shade of night. He had gotten stronger. In a weird way, it almost looked like Shyam had transferred all that he had to the other while he slowly broke down. Perhaps that was what was bound to happen. That Myrddin could grow stronger out of this while he withered away entirely. An idea that made sense on his own mind. If anything he’d give up his live for the other. Back then and now. Off course he would. Certainly now. Because his life didn’t make sense without the other being present in it. Without the other bringing back that ray of light he so desperately needed. While he was well aware that they never could truly be.. It didn’t take away the feelings he had for the man. It didn’t take away the need to be there for him, to hold him whenever he had a bad day, to crack a stupid joke when the other saw no sense in smiling.. But all of that, it didn’t seem to be true anymore for the other. And perhaps that was what had broken him. Not his godawful mother, but the fact that he was dismissed so easily.

For a brief moment they locked eyes and the emotions the other harboured made him frown. There was anger. Was he angry at him? Had he done something wrong to actually be discarded like this? A slight panic washed over him. Perhaps there was something. Since Myrddin didn’t even dare to look him in the eyes again.. Perhaps this was all his own doing without even noticing it. Or… Aurelia Vylasar got to him as well. Which brought up a whole new way of panicking once more. Feeling his chest slightly starting to heave.

As the other started to sign however he grew silent. Like a beaten dog. Those words cut deep. Very deep. Why was he doing this? Why was he pushing him away? Shyam closed his eyes, wanting to calm down. But it was close to impossible to do so. Stretching his arm a bit further, finally feeling the other his leg ever so slightly. ’Because I promised.’ He whispered softly. Because it was clear that without the other, his world didn’t colour as bright anymore. ’Because I can’t switch of my emotions.. Not anymore.’ He whispered even softer. Looking at the other. He knew they couldn’t be. But if anything while the other would in the end marry someone.. They would find a way right? They had promised that too each other. Shyam slowly pushed himself up more, which took some effort but it worked. Sitting up halfly. ’Myrddin.. Please don’t do this to yourself.. Grant yourself something.’ He muttered softly, pulling a hand through his own hair, letting it fall back into his lap. Instantly covered in white strands of hair, making him close his eyes.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

In the past he would have tried to believe in this delusion. But after everything that had happened, he knew it was dangerous. If he had to choose between hapiness for only a second or safety for an eternity, he knew what he would pick. He told himself he would be happier knowing Shyam was safe out there, living his best life. But what he saw here wasn't anything close to best or even good. He was such a sad being right now... And it made him so upset. He knew he was hurting, but they both knew they couldn't do anything to fix it. If they did, it would only cause even more pain in the end. Why didn't the other realize this? The young heir focused his eyes back to his cup as he let a single finger trace along the rim of the fine porcelain thing. Anything to keep his mind occupied and away from what was truly happening. Did he want to be here? No. He didn't. Because it was the only place where he could fall apart again... And he didn't want that, not anymore.

He felt the others hand on his leg and he looked down at it. The touch felt wrong, yet right as well. He hated it. He wanted to turn away and push him away. The more they would allow eachother to be close, the more painful it would be when he would have to leave again. Shyam spoke, saying he had promised. The dark haired man's face remained unchanged as he stared at the others hand. A promise... What was a promise in the face of destiny. He had been born with a reason and he couldn't just push that away. It had always been so clear to him that the mage understood this. Had emotions clouded his judgement once and for all? It would seem so, because he finally told him that he couldn't switch of his emotions. The sorcerer lifted his gaze as he looked at the other. A neutral expression on his face as he stared at him. It was as if they had switched places, in a way. He had finally learned to push it all away, while Shyam tried his best to keep it all close. His emotions and feelings taking the better of him. He felt pity for the other, as he knew all too well how it felt.

The other pleaded to him, pleading for him to allow himself something. The tall man looked on as the other went through his thin hair, pulling out strands with the movement. He was really falling apart. What a mess this was. The Vylasar looked away from him, back at his cup of tea. He lifted the thing up and took another sip, before placing it back down. His gaze focussing on the window a few meters away from them. He could see the particles of dust that float in the air and he focused on that for a bit as his mind tried to make sense of the situation. After a few minutes, he suddenly stood up and stepped away. The hand the other had placed on his leg wasn't even considered here. Myrddin stepped over to the window as he looked out, seeing people pass by on the streets below... And as his eyes followed along the buildings he eventually spotted the magic barrier that protected them from the ocean around them. This would all be his one day. These would be his people... And these streets would be his to take care of. It was his duty to make the right choices in the matter.

He stood by the window for a bit, before he finally closed the curtains. Turning back to the room he walked to the door, turning the key so that no-one would bust in. Privacy. He walked back to the bed as he slowly opened some buttons, but not all of them. Being close to the bed he placed one knee against it. The few rays of light that slipped past the cloth allowed him to see the edges of the other. His pale skin and his even paler hair. He pushed himself on top of the bed, one knee at one side of the other as the other moved over him. Now hovering over him, he placed his hands against his shoulders, pushing him back down on the bed as his body followed him. Leaning in his face came closer to his. His breath tracing along his skin as he looked over the fragile features of his face. His lips came closer to his, but didn't dare to make contact. He halted himself as he looked at him. The black strains of hair falling along his face, giving them even more cover in the darkness that he had created.

He remained like this for a bit, before finally he moved his head. Placing it in the place between the others neck and shoulder he burrowed himself in the familiar safety of his old lover. Closing his arms and legs around him as he simply embraced him in a hug. He couldn't, not anymore. It was over, he had to stand by that.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

He truly did wonder if the other wanted to be here or not. Was he putting on a show for him? Or had he truly just been used as some toy? Easily to discard. No, it wasn’t something he could believe. If anything he wanted to believe that whatever they had shared, that it was real and that it was still there. But the fact that he had so easily left him to rot away in here.. That was something he didn’t understand. If anything, the man that was now seated here.. He had promised to stick by his side, to make him better again after the whole ordeal with his mother. Yet nothing had come from that and that truly broke his tender heart. Maybe it had been the sight of him in that jail cell that had broken the other, but he didn’t see why. Given that he had been in an almost pristine state in there apart from his hair then and his mental state. But regardless, Myrddin had climbed those stairs and had gotten him out. Didn’t that mean anything? Or was he truly so delusional?

The moment the other got up, was the moment he felt his chest tighten up again. Panic crashing into him. Was he leaving? For good this time? He swallowed softly. But the other went to stand by his window. Which made him frown. Not understanding what was happening. But all of the sudden he turned back, walking to the door indeed. Making him almost stand up again. ’Please d..’ But then he turned. Making Shyam tilt his head slightly. Eyes growing wide for a moment as the other eventually came to the bed and pressed him down. What? His breath got stuck in his throat when the other came closer, blinking. The black hairs enlisting the other’s face. Myrddin looked godlike in this very moment. Breathing and heartbeat faltering for a split second.

Yet it turned different then expected. His heartbeat was betraying him, but in this moment he relished in the embrace of the other. Arms curling around him as he held him close. ’I’m sorry.. For not telling you about Finn.. I..’ A sigh slipped his lips as he closed his eyes. Not sure what this meant, but deep down, he knew that it wasn’t what he wished this would mean. And ultimately that pained him so deeply.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

His heart would always belong to him. He knew that much. And he hated it, because it wasn't supposed to be like this. He had to make a choice, but he couldn't. Heart and brain going in two opposite ways. Reason and emotions each fighting one another in the hopes to be on top. But Myrddin already knew that it didn't matter what he did or chose. In the end, his mother would have the final word. If she were to find out, if she were to see what he was doing here, she would have the others head. Eliminate the problem once and for all. Putting one and one together wasn't difficult, after all. He was an obstacle, after all. An insect in her eyes. And he hated it. And he knew that if she ever were to lay hands on him again, he wouldn't be able to hold himself in anymore. He would turn the city into a warzone if he had to. They had suffered enough, he had suffered enough. And her violence and her way of ruling had to end. This wasn't how you ruled, this was how tyranny was established... And he wouldn't stand it for it any longer.

But he was also terrified of her. She was the reason why he didn't think highly of himself. Why he always held his head low and why he had bowed down under her will. She had been the reason why he had sent him away. And she had been the reason why he no longer wanted to fight back. He just wanted peace, quiet, a moment where there was no fear of having to lose anything or anyone. But with her around, that was nearly impossible. Everything. It all came back to her. And he hated it. He sighed against the others skin as he smelled his familiar scent again. Putting his doubts and fears to rest. His eyes looking over the others skin as he pressed his face closer to his neck. Shyam spoke, talking about Finn... And the pain rushed through his heart. They had shared such stupid, fun moments with that dog. It was their dog, from the both of them. And yet... The sorcerer turned his head ever so slightly as one of his hands raised upwards. Pushing away some white strands of hair away from the others face. He would always be so beautiful, because it was him. His dearest him.

He slowly turned himself, pulling Shyam on top of him, gently so. His hands guiding the other to follow his lead as he waited whenever he saw pain on his face. He was weak, but he would be careful with him. He could wait an eternity for him if he had to. Eventually, he pushed himself to sit upright, the other on his lap he slowly put his arms around the other, one under his back as the other remained under his legs. He lifted him up as he stood up, walking around the bed and putting the other down in a chair. Placing him down gently he made sure the other was comfortable, even fixing his hair as he moved back a bit. Observing the fragile man his heart ached. Why had he let it come so far? Did he not care about how he felt? He had held his own head high to try and remain strong despite everything. Then why, why wasn't it the same for him.

Myrddin fell to his knees in front of the other as he grabbed the others hands, resting atop of his lap. He looked up at him, his grey eyes reflecting more than one emotion as anger, sadness and guilt rushed through him. It wasn't fair. It had been their damn dog, from the both of them. It had never been just about one of them, but always them as a whole. Then why... His fingers parted ways with his as he started to sign. 'You have always been my one and only,' he signed slowly. 'I can't live in a world without you,' A cliché, but it was true. His eyes focused on his as he tried to find a trace of reason within them, a trace of his Shy who knew this was right. Who understood that in this situation, there never could be an ending where they were both happy. 'Knowing you are living out there, healthy... Safe... Would be worth so much more than fearing for your life by my side,' His hands trembled. 'I can't love you,'

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Shyam just laid there, fingers gently moving over the other’s back. Discovering how muscular the other had actually gotten since last time. Making him swallow briefly. By the gods, this man was truly a gift from their deity. Trying to quickly shut down the thought. Wanting to just enjoy this. Because honestly, he didn’t even know if there would ever come another time like this and that just plainly hurt. A faint sigh slipping over his lips. Feeling his warm breath tickle against his skin made him glance down a bit to the other. But it was almost impossible to see his beautiful face as he pressed his face closer to his skin. Making his grip around the man strengthen a bit more. Not that it would feel like any difference was made there. His heart thudding softly when the other brushed his hair away. Wanting to smile at the kind gesture, but not finding the willpower to do so. As if he was already grieving the loss that would undoubtedly follow.

Slowly but surely he was pulled on top of the other, making him hum. Following the motion that was set out for him, eventually being seated in his lap. Fiddling with his own hands for a second. Until he was lifted up. Just like he had done ages ago with the other. Leaning against the other, head places in the crook of his neck/ Breathing in his scent. ’You smell nice.’ He whispered softly, voice soft and hoarse. An unintentional whine slipped when the other placed him down and he lost the warmth of his body once more. Looking up at him. Back to fiddling with the dark shirt he was wearing. Wondering what would follow. Nothing good.

And again Myrddin sunk to his knees. Making him want to move to him, yet his hands were taken soon enough. Eyes locking with those of the other, swallowing down a whole bunch of emotions that were rushing through him in this very moment. Their hands lost touch and he bit his bottom lip, very slowly nodding at his words. Telling him that he felt the same. He desperately felt that way. Stupidly he was kind of feeling a tad better with him close. But perhaps that was just in his head. Blinking, feeling a weird feeling dawn on him. No, this couldn’t go that way right? Lowering his head when those final signs reached him, trying to hold back those godawful tears. ’I can’t do this..’ Briefly motioning to their surroundings. ’Without you. I can’t, not anymore. I tried. Desperately. But I couldn’t. I’m afraid of everything, I thought you hated me when you stopped visiting. That you discarded me like I was a broken toy..’ He looked back up. ’You say you can’t love me.. But you did.. You still do.’ His voice cracked even more. ’I understand that this shouldn’t be happening. That your duties come first… But your duties were always there, even back then…’ His voice died down as he stared at the ground again.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

He was so small in his arms, so fragile. It made him scared, terrified even, of what the future would do with them. If his mother ever got her way again, she would destroy him. There would be nothing left to plead to, he was sure of that. He hated it, he hated who he was and he hated who his family was. Why was he ever born into this? Why didn't he ever get a choice in the matter? The tiniest comment about how he smelled made him feel all weak on the inside. He could crumble right here and now, in front of the man. If only he knew what a hold he had on him, if only he knew how much he meant to him. At the end of the day, he really was at his mercy. Whatever he wanted from him, he could get. And he knew this. That's why he should end it now, before he went too far, before the other would realize it too. The voice of reason had to come from somewhere. And if it wasn't him, it would be from within him. He had to make that clear, to the both of them.

He looked up at him, pouring his heart out in the things he signed to him. The other nodded at first, but then he moved on to what he actually wanted to say here. The fragile man in front of him lowered his head even more, making him appear even smaller than he already was. The sorcerer frowned, clearly not sure what to do in this situation. But then, he spoke. He told him he couldn't do this and for a moment, Myr wasn't sure what he meant. Was he talking about everything, him specifically or... Something else. The motion around gave him the vague idea it was just... Everything. Life as a whole. The black haired man frowned even more now, tilting his head slightly as he listened to what he said. The words he spoke, they cut deep... And it made the young sorcerer swallow, clearly uneasy with the situation and how it made the other feel. The assumptions the other had about him, it hurt, because they weren't true. He had never seen the other as a tool, a toy. He had seen him as an equal. And just for that reason had he sheltered him from what he was, pushing him away in the process.

He looked down when Shyam went on, claiming he still loved him. He was right, which he hated. He didn't hate the fact that he loved him, but he hated himself for not being able to stop loving him. It would have been so much easier if he simply... Didn't care anymore. But he couldn't. He cared so damn much for this man that it physically hurt to see him like this, to hear those words coming from him. The mention of duties and the past made his stomach turn again. Why were they such fools...? He looked up at the other, who had averted his eyes to the floor. He looked so much older now, barely his age. He gently lifted a hand up, his fingers finding a way to the edge of the others face. Gently tracing along the edge of his jaw, he pushed the others chin up. He wanted to look at him, see his eyes. It was hard, but they had to push through this. How messed up that might be. He couldn't just do as he pleased.

Staring at the others face he opened his mouth a bit as he gasped softly for air. For a moment he just remained like that. Holding the others face up gently as he collected his words and thoughts. By the Gods, why was he such a difficult man... Slowly, he pulled his hands back a bit, keeping them up as to sign once more. 'All I do is cause you harm,' he signed. 'I just want you to be happy,' Tears welled up in his eyes as he pressed himself closer to the other, pushing himself up he closed the distance between them. One hand finding a way to the others face as he gently traced along his chin, to his ear, where he pushed some thin white hair out of the way. His other hand gently cupping his face as he came closer. The pull he had on him... It made him crazy. Seeing him so close to him, feeling the heat of his skin under his fingertips. His heart skipped a beat as he realized how much he adored this man. He swallowed as it hit him. Oh... How weak he was for him.

The few inches between them was closed as he pressed his lips against the other. Pushing himself more against him as he had to hold himself in not overpower him. His body craved him, desperately so, but he also knew he couldn't. If he did, he would truly give himself over to his feelings, to an old promise. Yet, his body worked on its own as one hand went to the others neck as he gently stroked along it. Pulling back in the kiss he looked at him, before standing up and hovering over the other. Leaning in as he kissed him again. Pushing his body against he traced the edges of the others skin. The motion sending sparks along his own body as desire started to play up. His one and only, it would always be like that, this stupid act was evidence of that.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

His words caused something with the other. An uneasiness. Was he wrong then? Hadn’t he been cast aside like he was nothing? He didn’t want to hurt Myrddin, not ever. But.. He had been hurt by the actions of the other and well, for some reason that was pouring out now. There was no filter. Or perhaps there was a small one, but it didn’t make him hold back right now. Although everything that he had said right now, was all he truly had to say. If the man decided it wasn’t enough. Then he wasn’t quite sure what he would do, nothing good that much was clear. But he just hoped that the other would magically change his thoughts about everything. But with Myrddin right now. He almost felt like that was wishful thinking.

Until he found his fingers brushing his cheek. Making him glance up confused. What was he doing? The look he gave the other was one of pure confusion, first he said one thing and now he did this.. That faint gasp made him swallow now, wanting to move closer. His body was almost being drawn to the others. As he signed once more he sighed deeply. ’You make me happy.’ He whispered, barely fast enough as Myrddin came closer once more. Those soft little touches, they were so kind. Kind of the exact opposite of what his words meant. But regardless Shyam leaned into his soft touch, feeling his heart flutter once more. Not wanting the other to stop, but at the same time he had also made himself pretty clear? Then why was he going on like this?

Their lips met and he caved. Off course he did. Hand slowly moving up to the other his cheek, pulling him in a bit more. The moment was to fleeting when Myr pushed back again. Which left him even more confused than he already was. Looking up when he towered over him like that? Making him swallow. This was the end right? Wrong. Before he could even process what was happening the dark haired man pressed himself against him and before he knew, the chair toppled over. Causing them to fall. Myrddin right on top of him, the smack itself knocking the air out of him. Another groan slipping over his lips. Really, if things went on like this he’d end up with a fractured shoulder or something. ’You… I don’t get it.’ He whispered softly when he was able to properly breath again. Arms wrapped around the man. Not wanting to let him go.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

Their lips touching caused sparks between them. He wanted to take all the words he said back and just tell him that he was his. He wanted to be his and he wanted him to only belong to him. The thought of Shyam being with another man or woman drove him crazy, mad even, but he had pushed it back. He knew how it was the other way around. Shyam had to see him get married to a woman he didn't even love. He would have to look on to their marriage, see how they build up a family, got kids together and presented themselves to the public as a happy couple. He hated that image he would have to display to everyone, but mostly to him. He didn't want that. By the gods it drove him absolutely insane just thinking about it. The heavy breaths that left his mouth as their lips parted was evidence of how mad he was getting. Angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at everything that had happened and was bound to happen. It was written all over him. To hell with them all.

The other had told him that he made him happy. And those words had made his heart burst. Feeling a warmth spread through his chest that he was so familiar with whenever he was near this man. Fuck. He had done it again. He loved him so damn much. By the gods he never wanted to part ways again with him. He was addicted to him. To his words, his touch, his scent, his body, his everything. The other tugged at him and he greedily took. Pushing himself against him as he clearly wanted more. His hands exploring the others skin as he started to become more impatient with himself. It caused him to press on, forgetting the fragility of the other. The other clearly wanted to as he felt his hands along his face. Oh... How he had craved for that touch. It didn't take long for his action to cause change, as the chair fell over. It caused them to break off the kiss and when the dark haired man heard the other groan, he pushed himself up. Clear concern in his eyes as he looked over him. He had barely felt the fall, had caught himself even, and now he was on top of the other, his face hovering above him as he quickly looked over him. Had he hurt him?

He spoke and his words had reason, he knew they did. He swallowed, his breath a bit heavier than usual as excitement rushed through his body. He wanted him so badly, he could barely contain himself. He wanted to sign at him, apologize and help him up so he could deal with his little problem on his own. But the mage had other plans. Wrapping his arms around him, he felt his heartrate rise again. Oh by the gods. In this moment, he wished he could speak, desperately so, as he wanted to tell him how he truly felt. But being so close to him he couldn't use his hands and his voice was useless. He let out a soft noise from his lips, clearly filled with irritation as he leaned in. His lips softly pressing against the others cheeks as he slowly went down his neck. Pressing himself against him, his hands found a way under the others upper body. Gently bringing him closer and closer to him, until he could lift him up.

In one motion he pulled him up, turning his body as he, somewhat clumsily, pressed both of them atop of the bed. Collapsing on top of him and quickly getting closer to him his lips parted ways with his body. He looked up at the other, desire sparking in his eyes as he looked at him. He opened his mouth again, now actually trying to speak. It had been a while since he had. "Vaaa- Va," he groaned in frustration as the words didn't form as he wanted to, clear anger on his face as he clenched his teeth. Tears welling up as he took a deep breath, trying again, but this time louder and clearly with more passion. Yet, all that followed was shouting with no meaning behind it. Heavy breaths left his mouth as he looked at the other, frustrated with himself and the world. His hands grasping the sheets beneath him as he curled them into fists. Why was it so difficult to even mutter those simple words? He just wanted to say it once, just for him. Why couldn't he do it. Tears rolled over his cheeks as he started to shake slowly. Anger clear in his eyes. Why?

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Shyam didn’t care that the chair fell over. The only one he cared for in this very moment was the man who now laid on top of him. The concerned glance that was aimed at him made him shake his head ever so softly. There was no pain. Or well, there was but nothing that they could suddenly take away. His fingers trailed down the other his body briefly, letting them rest on his back as he just stared up at him. His. Only his. For now that was. Which was a detail he soon put to bed again, there was no need to let his thoughts roam back to that. Letting Myr take the lead in whatever was unfolding here. Enjoying his soft touches, the soft kisses that were being placed all over. A moment of bliss in a tumultuous meeting once more.

Yet then he was being lifted, only to be pressed on the bed. Making Shyam smile ever so faintly at the other. Something happened though. Before he actually registered it the other was starting to say something. Something incoherent, but something nonetheless. Frustration grew with the raven haired man, he could see it clearly on his face. Making him swallow yet again. Very gently he let his hand move to those of the other whose were grasping into the sheet. One hand being brought to his cheek as he brushed the tears away. ’Don’t cry. Please.’ The man whispered ever so softly, sitting up a bit more. Fingertips both caressing one of Myr his hands and his cheeks. Locking eyes with the other once more. ’I’m here. Always okay? Just please don’t cry.’ He muttered ever so softly, scooting a bit closer to the other. Growing aware of how sore he was already getting from the first fall he had taken.

’I love you. More than anything.’ More than myself.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

He didn't want to stop. He never wanted this to end. But how many times had he thought about their time together like that? Hoping, praying to any god that was willing to listen, that time would just stop whenever they were together. It was such wishful thinking, that this could last forever. It had always been in the back of his mind that everytime they did this, it could have been their last. So he had loved and adored it as such. Yet, he never wanted it to be their last night together. He never wanted to part ways with this man. His brain and heart were at war, as he knew that he would end up with heartbreak eventually. He was just delaying the inevatable. But it would seem, just for today, that his heart had won again. Even if his brain didn't agree, not in the slightest bit. Their actions would have consequences, he knew they would. If only one person found out... he didn't dare to think about what would happen to his beloved.

In the heat of the moment he had tried to voice his feelings for the other. But like always, meaningless noise came out of his mouth. The first time, he had swallowed away his anger and tried again. But the second, frustration had started to drown out his senses. He was mad at himself, mad at the world and the twisted god that had shaped him. Tears rolled over his cheeks as anger grew inside of him. Sadened by the fact he couldn't even tell him those words he knew he deserved. That three word promise, it only belonged to him and him only. He could feel a hand grab onto his and for a moment, Myrddin glanced at it. Seeing his hand against his own he slowly let go, letting his fingers intertwine with his as he took a shaky breath. It wasn't fair, it really wasn't. It made him so... So angry. Another hand found its way to his face... And when fingers brushed along his cheek he looked back down at the white haired man below him. His soft words reached him and he closed his eyes for a moment, gently pressing his head against the others touch as he tried to calm himself.

The other came closer, he felt it. It made him more aware of the fact that blood had rushed to other places when tension had risen again between them. He opened his eyes again, looking down at the fragile man. His loving words made him feel all warm inside, the promise that he was worth more than anything else felt like it would be too much.... Yet, he couldn't get enough of it. He let out a soft noise, one akin to complaint, laced with certain desire... Something that came close to whining, before he came closer to the other again. He was perhaps a bit rough, not knowing his own strength as he pressed himself against him, pushing him back down in the process. His lips pressed against his as he turned his head slightly. For a few seconds he let passion run over those tiniest actions, before letting their lips part way again. He kissed his cheek gently, before exploring further as he played around with the sensation it would bring the other. His lips going to his neck once more, looking for a spot where he could hear his satisfaction once more.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Everything had his end. Shyam was well aware of that. But he would fight till his last dying breath to be with the man he adored. Because the ravenhaired man deserved nothing but that. To be adored, to be loved, to be cared for. And Shyam.. Well, if there was anything he was good at. It was loving Myr. They made each other better, stronger. And wasn’t that what love was about? In the eyes of the beholder perhaps not. But in his heart he knew that it was exactly what love meant.

The other was trying to voice something, but Shyam didn’t have an idea about what it could be. What he did know, was that he could calm down the other in some way. Drive out that frustration. So that was why he had taken his hand, it was why he was brushing away the tears. To show him that he was indeed here. That he wasn’t going to go anywhere. Not if Myrddin didn’t want it. He kept the motion going, both on his hand and on his cheek. There was no need to cry. Not when he was with him. A soft smile lingered around his lips. ’I like what you did to your hair. Very unprincessy from you.’ Maybe he could lighten the mood again with his stupid remark. But he meant it. He liked it. It suited the other. But honestly, anything would suit the man in front of him.

He was pressed down once more. Eyes locking with those of Myrddin. The hand that had rested on his cheek was brought to his hair, grabbing into it as he pulled the other slightly closer. Not that his pull had much strength. But at least it was something. Other hand trailing over his body, down to his hip. Off course he had taken note of what was happening down there. He wasn’t quite sure on how he was going to handle that situation, but right now his mind was to busy with enjoying the way the other his hips roamed over his body. Making a slight gasp slip his lips. Fingers curling around the other his hip, a shiver trailing his body. ’Myr.. I don’t think I can..’ Cheeks coloring slightly pink, gaze pointed into a random dark corner of his room.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

It was so wrong and maybe that wa partially why it felt so good. His body against his, their hands intertwined with one another as passionate kisses were shared. All if it caused sparks between them, passion that ran over his skin and made him all excited to ask for more. Or maybe, he wanted to take more, take the lead for the first time ever. He had always let the other lead him through it, but for some reason he now felt confident enough to do that in his place. It made him feel all hot inside, as if he was burning up from excitment just thinking about it. And in a way, he was. It had been too long since he shared this kind of passion with his beloved... And the more he had to wait for what came next, the more impatient he grew. But he would hold back, because he would never force himself onto the other like that. The last thing he wanted was hurt the other. He would never forgive himself for such a thing.

A light comment was made about his hair and a smile curled on his face when he heard it. Not one that was playful or shy; but one that held confidence. Almost as if to say that he knew he looked good in it. In a way he had found himself again, especially since he had gotten nothing but praise ever since changing himself. To receive it from the only where it truly mattered... Well... It made him feel so certain about everything that was happening. Knowing that he had shed every possible thing that reminded him of that she-devil. Right now he was more an individual than ever before and it made him feel powerful, it made him feel in charge of his destiny for once in his life. And he loved it. To hell with everything he had sworn to keep. Right now he wanted this. He wanted him and nothing else, because in the end nothing truly mattered but him.

The way he pushed the other down, his lips pressed against his. He wasn't being as gentle as he should be with such a fragile being. He took back for a moment as his lips started to explore his neck. Being able to taste him again had been a desire he hadn't thought he'd missed, but here he was... When the other placed his hands on his hips, he eagerly thrusted somewhat forward, making it clear to the other what he wanted in that motion. It wasn't hard ~~, but something else surely was,~~ to miss, after all. He took back a bit, pushing himself up as he looked down at the other, who told him that he didn't think he could. The black haired man clearly didn't know what to do with himself as a mixture of expressions came over his face, followed by a clear complaint in whimpers and moans. He leaned forward, the noises pouring from his mouth as he laid his head beside the other. He wanted so badly, but if he didn't then he could understand that... He could deal with his problem on his own.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

Would Shyam feel any kind of regret after everything? Who knew. Right now there was truly no telling what he actually felt. He felt confused, loved and hopeful in a way. Though that last thing was something he would protect. He needed to protect himself for Myrddin backing out once more, for the other leaving him once more. So fear was something he felt as well. Other emotions however where winning it over the negative ones so he let himself enjoy this as far as it would go. There was just no way that in this physical state that he was able to do what the other so desperately craved. What they both craved. The sly smile on his face made him raise a brow. Now see, that was a side of the man he hadn’t met yet. Which sparked an interest for sure.

When he moved a moan was drawn from his lips. Making his eyes turn wide for a moment. Yet then all the weight disappeared making him swallow. Had he fucked up again? But as he came closer again Shyam smiled up, almost apologetically. Knowing that he couldn’t leave the other like this. That would be rude. So gently and carefully he moved himself on top of the other. Knees on either side of his body. Kissing him once more as one hand slid into his hair once more. ’Don’t be sad.’ He whispered, voice thick with desire. Fingers dwindling down his body as his lips roamed over to his neck, hands happily skimming underneath his garments. An electric feeling rushing through his fingertips as he rediscovered the other again, his now slightly muscular body. Oh how he craved to sneak a peek. Yet the man went further down with his hands. Looking up shortly as he was making his way down entirely. One button, two button…

_______

With his hair in a state, Shyam sat up a bit more. Feeling lightheaded for sure. But to see the other like this, it was all worth it. Gently he made his way back up, nesting himself right next to the other. His one leg draped over the other as he just embraced him for the longest while. Chest slightly heaving as well, but it was worth it. ’Please be mine again? I know at one point.. I’m going to have to share or whatever. But be mine. I need you.'

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

He had been blessed with a gentleman who would help him out, or so it would seem. It was odd, in a way, that Shy took charge again. Well... Not entirely strange as they were used to things being like this. Yet, Myrddin had craved to be the one to lead this time. As the white haired man turned on top of him he tried to hold himself back not to pin the other down once more. He moaned out in complaint as he pushed his head back on the bed, his breath heavy as his eyes followed what the other was doing. He was being so gentle, so careful, probably because he couldn't do much else. Yet, he craved for something more intense. He had to hold himself back, knowing that he could probably break him so easily if he didn't. With knees at both sides of his body and the other leaning in again for a kiss, his hands found a way to his hips. He pulled him in closer as his fingers wrapped around the fragile edges of his body. He was so small... He really had to keep that in mind. He couldn't just do whatever he wanted here, or else they would have to do some explaining to a healer.

The words Shyam spoke as their lips parted made him moan softly against his skin. He could feel his touch all over him and he pulled the other in closer, quite roughly so. The teasing and exploring only made him long for him more. He felt so much more sensitive when it were his fingers against his skin. From his chest, to his waist, to his hips. He smiled softly as he could feel the others body move more down. When weight shifted more downwards and he could feel him working his way towards what he so desired, he pushed himself up a bit. His legs slowly pulled around parts of him as he let his hands trace along his face, until it found stability in his hair.

----

He had to admit, that he hadn't been very gentle. He had hold back a lot, but he wondered if the other was okay. He blinked a few times, still feeling the blissful sensation washing over him as he leaned back, his breath still heavy as he closed his eyes for a bit. Shyam came closer to, almost melting against him as he wrapped one leg over him. The words he spoke made the young heir look up. Grey eyes looking at him, he frowned. A plead for their little dance to continue, for Lythrana knows how long. Myrddin kept looking at him, perhaps for a bit too long before he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in closer. His fingers gently tracing his back as he placed a tender kiss against his head. Holding him for just a few seconds he closed his eyes once more. Simply enjoying the moment as it is, before he knew that he had to go once more. There would always be time to talk... But not always time for things like this.

After a few minutes he let go of the other, slowly sitting upright he brought a hand through his hair. Now he looked down at what a mess he had made of everything. The bed, his clothes, Shyam... Hell, even the chair looked damaged. He frowned, sighing softly as he shook his head. Sliding to the side of the bed he slowly leaned forward so he could put his pants back on. It had been a good idea to lock everything. He could only imagine what the other's father must have thought if he had walked in on them. As the black haired man rose from the bed he turned back to the other. Still frowning he started to sign. 'Is that really what you want?' he asked. 'You'll never be able to truly be with me. We'll always have to watch our back, we can never be ourselves in public and when people find out you could...' he couldn't even finish the sentence. It would not only mean the end for him, but his family would be dragged into it as well. Everything would be done so that his image would be kept as it was; perfect, as mother desired.

Knighthood lies above eternity;

He at least had achieved something here. That blissful look upon Myr his face, he’d never grow tired of that. Apart from the fact that he could possibly take a nap right now, right in his arms. Oh how perfect that would be. But he was quite certain that something like that wasn’t in the stars for them. At least not now. Though who knew, perhaps the other would surprise him. The frown that was thrown in his direction shortly made him bite his lip. Relief washing over him again as the other wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in. Making a smile appear on his face. The touch, it felt good to say the least. Just basking in this sense of being together. This was just perfect. In every way of the word.

As time passed however he lost the warmth of the other once more. Looking up at Myrddin as he turned back on his back, slowly pushing himself up a bit more. Biting his lip for a second. Well, they looked pretty banged up to say the least. But then he actually moved away entirely and he swallowed softly. Worrying his lip for a moment when he started to sign. ’It’s all I ever wanted Myr.’ The man spoke rather decisive for that matter. ’I know what could happen. This happened already.’ Pointing at his hair, shaking his head. ’I just can’t be without you.. It’s like all my joy in life would be taken away. What kind of life is that? One without joy, without color?’ He looked up at the other.

Slowly he pushed himself up. Standing up, steadily this time. Though his legs kept leaning against the bed. ’The choice is up to you. I have made my decision. If you… If you don’t want this.. us. Then I’ll disappear and you’ll never hear from me again.’ Wondering himself in which way he actually meant that. But he stood by what he said. If the raven-haired man didn’t want this, didn’t want to live his life like that, then he could only accept. But if there was even a slight chance that he did say yes, then things were looking back up again for him.

it doesn’t live off fame,
but rather deeds.

❝ I don't know how to feel ❞

He had come here to make something clear to the both of them; that this couldn't go on. His goal had been to tell Shy he had to live a life without him, a happy life, one that he could live to the fullest. He deserved to be happy, to have a family, have a good wife, kids maybe... If he wanted. Because in the end, Myrddin could never be happy with how things were. And if he could just... Get it to a point where his beloved was satisfied, he could die knowing he did one thing right. But when they had touched passion and desire had taken him by the throat. As lustful and sweet words had poisoned his mind it had quickly turned into something he... He didn't regret, really. He wanted more, wanted to stay. Maybe take a bath together so the other could feel better, after which he wanted to make him a proper meal. It was odd how much he wanted to care for this man. Silly little things he had never thought about suddenly became a priority when he was with him. It was truly odd, but also so... Amazing. Oh, how he loved this man.

So he told him what was on his mind, asked him if this was really what he wanted. And he observed him as he signed. He looked over his snowwhite hair, which had started to thin out. The fragile features of his once so perfectly formed face were painful to look at. He blinked a few times, before he looked away. Shyam spoke as soon as he was done. He was so certain of his words, so... Straight forward... That it made him somewhat jealous. A weird mixture, as his heart fluttered just as much hearing it. The other pointed out the worst had already happened, something Myrddin frowned on, looking back at him. And then he spoke words that carried such meaninng with it, that his face cleared up. He had felt it too, just like that. A world without colour or joy, it was just how he viewed it as well. He stared at him for a moment, almost as in disbelief, before he finally seemed to regain his posture... And himself. Looking away at the chair that had fallen down he walked over and squatted down to get it back down, his mind slowly going over the things the other said.

The mage stood up and he quickly turned towards him, grabbing his arm as to support him, but it would seem he got it. The black haired man frowned a bit as he slowly let go, listening to what he had to say. He shook his head as those words reached him, clearly displeased with the message they held. Walking closer he now looked so much bigger than him, maybe it had always been like that... Maybe not. In his memories, Shy had always been the greatest man he had ever seen. What stood before him, was still his fault. 'What if I lose you?' He signed to him, tilting his head slowly. Pain was clear in his eyes. 'What if I can't save you? What if you end up getting hurt again?' The thought alone was making him visibly angry once more. 'It would be all my fault, again, and I don't know how to live with that,' He already barely knew how to deal with a world where it had happened. It messed with his head, severely so. Sometimes, it even felt like he was a stranger in his own head. He hated it.

'I love you, Shyam Efrain,' he signed at him. 'I love you that it physically hurts to see you in pain,' He came closer once more. 'I love you so much that I want to tear this city and family apart for you,' What was he even doing? 'I love you so damn much that I can't even say no to you,' He never could, because it was him. The other had no idea what kind of grip he had on him. 'And I know that the world is against us but I want to shelter you from it all because I love you,' A sob left his mouth. 'But I don't know how,' His hands started to shake as he finally confessed what was really on his mind. Another sob left his lips as he shook his head. Tears found a way towards the surface as they quickly trailed along his skin. He had never looked pretty when crying anyway. His knees suddenly felt weak as sadness ran over him, knowing that even a war couldn't change their future. Nothing could change what they were or what they could be. And knowing that hurt more than anything else.