[M] Put the weight of the world on my shoulders

The sorcerer never had any problems by being alone. He could manage perfectly fine by himself, he didn't need anybody of his family to loom their shadows over him. But for know it felt like if she would leave, she would take part of him with her. His teeth were biting the inside of his lip with this thought, looking up at the canopy again, taking deep breaths to steady himself, his fingers slowly moving over her back. How much he wanted to whisper barren promises to her, he felt like she appreciated a realistic approach.

And that was what he was continuing, his voice small and slightly uncertain. He didn't know how they should handle things like this. Right now everything seemed perfectly calm. But how soon would they be at each other's throats again, when she had something wicked in her mind again. He liked to paint a ugly picture of her in moments like that, and not see her as the person that might be hiding beneath the surface. A quiet girl, that liked to read in an armchair with a glass of wine. Not this woman he had met, with a sharp tongue and going out of her way to make him snap. One he could only temper when they shared the sheets.

But she had no clear answer for that too. It might be easier to act like they should, or what they had shown before. But he was afraid that every passing moment in company would be harder and harder, between trying to make snide comments and just jump at each other. He didn't know too, because... If they had to be together in some way. He shrugged when he asked her if he wanted to. He had made it stupidly complicated where it shouldn't have been. He was glad they had passed that awkward stage, but he wasn't really sure if he preferred this.

When she moved to look him straighter in the eye, she again made a remark about that wedding. He watched her grin grow as he gave a breathy chuckle. ‘‘Always so impatient,’’ he repeated his words, then hinting to something completely different. He brushed his hands behind the back of her head, before dropping his hands in the sheets. He had avoided her question before by replying with another question, which eventually had spiraled down to them losing themselves in each other once more. And it was clear how much she desired to tie the knot between them, even after all they could do was fight and make love.

‘‘Anyways, I don't think that's for me to decide,’’ he said with a small shrug, looking at the soft curves of her face, blinking slowly. ‘‘Is there nothing in between? Between strangers and married?’’ They could be continuing this dance that they were having, only meeting each other in the comfort of night and pretend to be friendly when others were looking, to not being able to talk when they were alone together.

What happened to liking it like this? He could feel the air started to become heavy once more surrounding them, even if they were still stuck together like glue. Ezekiel really tried to keep it lighthearted, but he had worries too. He was in a way naive, because he did not want to face anything that might be complicating things. Why did everything always have to be covered in layers and layers of problems, hiding beneath a pretty veil. Yes, he truly was shortsighted that he might expect that this would be it, them picking fights and solving them accordingly. He liked that circle, he liked the ease of that.

They were in a new kind of state of denial, because as they both tried to cloud their worries in lighthearted smiles. She said she was serious. Maybe it were the nerves that made her laugh, maybe it was something else. Ezekiel eyes her up as he narrowed his eyes slightly, just pursing his lips together as he slid his hand past her head one last time. ‘‘Okay,’’ he replied with a soft, slightly confused voice. He didn't really think she was joking anyway. He was getting a bit tired by her beating around the bush anyway. There was now obviously more behind the surface, she was just not telling him. And he knew he should not blame her for just confessing some secret, but then she just need to keep her worries to herself. She clearly didn't trust him. With good reason. They probably trusted each other as far as they could throw each other.

The answer to his question did not satisfy him. Being engaged was pretty much being strangers in his book. They were just two individuals forced to match up. They were no friends, barely even acquaintances. They just happened to be two Vylasars that their higher ups thought to be an acceptable match. And when she mentioned their activities in the sheets, he rolled his eyes before he let his head drop. ‘‘Well, it's a bit late to have regrets now, Chas,’’ he murmured agitated. And who cared? Breaking the rules had been almost more familiar than keeping to them. They would be married one day. At least then they would not have to go to the trouble of getting to know each other too well that things like this would be impossible.

She was clearly annoyed when she moved herself away from him. He let his arm fall beside him as he only turned his eyes to follow her movements when she sat up at the side of the bed. His dirty tunic fell over her head as she clothed herself for the small journey from his room to her chambers. Ezekiel pushed a hand through his hair, pushing away the damp strands from his forehead. This was goodbye, it seemed. He was ready to just let her leave, ending this night with a knot in his stomach, with a lot of questions unanswered. He looked away from her back up towards the canopy. She only drew back his attention as her frail voice broke the silence. He turned his head slightly to eye out her shadowed silhouet. And then she finally addressed the elephant in the room.

Ezekiel completely froze, even his breathing paused for a moment. What? She didn't mean- well, what else could she mean. In his head he was already counting back the days, calculating how worse it could be. He pushed his upper body up slightly on his elbows as he looked at Chaska. ‘‘... What?’’ He could not manage anything else at this point. If she meant what she said. Oh no, this could not be happening. Now it made sense why she wanted to marry so quickly. She had her reputation to shield, to become anything but a common whore. By Lythrana. ‘‘Fuck,’’ he muttered under his breath as he sat up straight, burying his face in his hands. Only then he could feel the panic starting to crawl up his spine. It should not be happening, not this quick. He dared to glance back at her back. It was one of the first conversations they ever held, on that dark lake, which felt month ago at this point. She was clear that she was against the idea of children, that that would ruin her life. But it would ruin his as well. Please, it could not be... He clutched his hair as he kept still, only shaking his head as his thought immediatly went to worst case scenario. How could he not?

It would be forever like this, this dance of will we, won't we. We can and we cannot. So while he had preferred to keep their thoughts to themselves, to just drown in the sheets and not speak of it further. His question of going back to pretending, started to create more and more truth. If it was going to be like this every single time, why bother. And when she softly spoke that it should not have happened in the first place, he wanted to agree. Because they only made it so stupidly complicated, it was almost not worth the pleasure. Even when he looked back at her, and all he wanted was to have her whole, again and again. His touches froze as he kept his distance.

So part of him wanted to argue with her against it, and part of her just wanted to just let her go. It was not like they could change the past. They could have this fight again. Last time she was angry that- whatever she was angry about. That she was under the impression she had used him. But not this time, she was as much - if not more - to blame. But he just could not allow her to have the last word on this. ‘‘Then leave,’’ he grumbled bitterly from inside his mouth. He wasn't forcing her to be with him, not like her parents were. She could walk out this room, step of his bed any time she wanted. ‘‘And I won't bother you anymore.’’

And he sure as hell would not, when she told him that she was maybe... expecting? He sat up straight, his eyes tightly shut as he frowned with his hands in his hair. It would be just his luck that he managed to knock up his betrothed in one try. He hadn't even considered it. And then she hit him with the "maybe it's nothing". He exhaled sharply as he threw back his head. ‘‘How can you be sure?’’ he asked with an annoyed tone, but is was probably more to hide the panic hidden beneath it. And why would she risk it again, if she was so anxious about it. Or was this one sick trick to permanently lock him in this marriage. He would have obeyed their families wishes, but now he felt a bit more uncertain. And as she faced him again with that tone of urgency in her voice. He gritted her teeth. As if he would tell. ‘‘Haven't I proven myself to be trustworthy,’’ he bit back. He hadn't told a soul about their first night. No, he was rather convincing in acting like nothing happened, something that had also annoyed her. There was no way in doing the right thing with this girl.

Ezekiel stared at the canopy for a few moments longer. They were really amazingly talented in ruining a good moment. And they were past fixing it by a kiss, because he already played that card a few times too often tonight. And as she kindly reminded him, he shouldn't have. He licked his lips slightly as she called him stupid one more time, what also became a familiar sound. He shrugged slightly. He never said he was smart.

He meant it when he told her to leave, for him to be out of her hair, even if it would be very tempting to end up like this. It was almost worth the fighting. He gave her a side-eye as she bit back that it would not fix anything. ‘‘How do we fix it then? A wedding?’’ he scoffed slightly, while he dropped his head back in the sheets. Maybe she was right, but he would never admit that out loud. They could be married and at least the barriers of having to be in their own beds in the morning would be away. They could fix their arguments of the day each and every night.

But when she brought up the whole disaster of her maybe being pregnant. It wasn't fair, those were his stupid thoughts. Why Lythrana put him in this position. He was the youngest of all of his cousins. It was like they sacrificed him to be their first test subject, to see how this would all work out. They didn't have much to lose with him fucking everything up, and they could learn from his mistakes before they chose a wife for the golden boy. But he had already made mistakes. He obviously was asking the wrong questions, because Chaska was getting even madder. His nostrils flared as he looked back at her. ‘‘Stop scaring me,’’ he hissed back. He hated the uncertainty. And by every patron, there must be a way to get rid of every problem, even that one. She had been so disgusted by the idea of having children. He knew he should be the one comforting her, not the other way around. But he just couldn't.

He was truly agitated when she made him believe that she thought he might be untrustworthy. It was as much his secret to keep as hers. Because she had pulled him into this... burden. Was she thinking the load might be less heavy if they shared it? No, it had doubled, tripled. But when she struck him with the "i barely know you", he swallowed heavily. That was true. Not that long ago he had promised her they had the rest of their lives to figure each other out. Now the rest of their lives seemed to come running up to them lightning fast. ‘‘Right..’’ he only responded, that bitter tone still clear under the surface. He dropped his head back between his hands, rubbing the sides of his head. He only looked up as she told him she didn't have faith. He rolled his eyes and looked away. ‘‘Sure, Chaska,’’ he murmured softly.

When she rose, he sighed and watched her figure cast long shadows through the room. Even if he was still mad at her, it was hard to see her leave. Even if he wanted her to, even if he told her to, and she told him. He looked up to her face, debating with himself if he should do something, say something. But he remained silent as he gave her a small nod and dropped back down to his side, turning his back towards her.

But just before she could truly leave, he bit his lip, turning his head slightly. ‘‘See you tomorrow.’’ They hadn't truly decided what tomorrow would contain. If it would be more of this, or if it would be civil, for once. ‘‘Sleep well.’’