What am I supposed to do

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

It had been some days since the festival. Something that hadn't gone so well. Ezekiel and him had gotten in a fight on the first day. The second had been with his family, which was awful enough on its own. And the third one was the winged night with the festivities. He had spent it mostly alone, met some people and all that. He had seen Keijo, which had lifted his spirits, but they had gone their own ways when duty had called. And from then on he had just been bored, looking on at other people how they were dancing while he was mulling over his own future. He just wasn't able to let it go, at all, and he was starting to notice how it was taking a toll on him. After the festival he had just simply put himself out there again. Training as if his life depended on it. Practising his magic, trying to perfect it in so many ways. He wanted to be able to summon like his mother did, with her mind. It would make him an even better sorcerer and maybe, when he was able to pull it off, she would finally tell him that she was proud of him. To be able to pull it off at such a young age... And all that. Oh how he chased that conformation so desperately. Deep down he knew that he would never get it. Even if he met the perfection that he had set for himself. It wouldn't be enough. Would it ever be enough?

He had left the estate quite early in the morning, perhaps even earlier then normal. His routine had always been to start training first thing in the morning, get some exercise in and all that. But not today. His night had been almost completely sleepless and he would be lying if he said that he was feeling ready for another day. He... Honestly felt defeated, tired, exhausted. He needed a break, from everything. From his family, from his duties and more importantly, from his own thoughts. He knew that, as long as those things lingered on his mind, he would never be able to fully relax. But that was the issue huh? He couldn't just... Put them away. His thoughts, his feelings, his chaos. It was who he was. Someone who felt everything so very deeply. A twisted curse if you asked him. If only he could cast them away, put them somewhere where no-one could find them. It would make his life so much easier.

The young man came to a halt near the edge of the city. As his grey eyes looked over the cliff he quickly found a way down. He moved closer, went through his knees and turned himself somewhat. The blonde man jumped, latching onto the edge as he slowly pulled himself a bit more up as to find more stability on the wall. He clenched his teeth for a moment as he started to climb down. Luckily for him it wasn't far. He probably could have jumped down from the wall on the large ledge and it would have been fine too. Perhaps the impact would have irritated his knees for a bit, but those were details. The Vylasar boy let go of the wall and took a step back as his hands went over his neat attire, brushing off some of the dust that had gotten on him. A soft smiled curled on his lips for a moment as he realized that he most likely was gonna need to change at some point today. He couldn't show up at meetings in dusty, dirty clothing. Or well.. He couldn't show up at all. His smiled widened when that thought popped up in his head, but he quickly shook it off. No, he couldn't afford to do that...

Myrddin turned towards the edge of the ledge, going through his legs as he went to sit down. He quickly grabbed his sketchbook and pencil and opened it on a new page. When he lifted his gaze again, he was able to see the first rays of sunlight peak over the horizon. He tilted his head, smiled and looked back down. His hand slowly making a way over the paper as he started to sketch the scenery.

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

His pencil graced the paper with soft turns and movements as he sketched the rocks, the ocean and the sun that was slowly creeping upwards. The young heir tilted his head as he observed the sunrise and for a moment he wished that he had some of his paint on hand. He would be able to make some beautiful colors from a scene like this. Alas, he simply had his book and his pencil. When he was back home he could probably turn his sketch into a painting. He had done it before when arriving in Moonbright. The painting of the dragon looking over the city was based on a sketch he had made when they were on the boat. He slowly lifted his pencil and brought his hand over the paper, smudging some of the lines with his finger to make a more fluent piece. He slowly stopped what he was doing as a frown appeared on his face. Maybe the perspective of this scenery would be better if he was down there. As the blond man averted his eyes, he leaned a bit forward, almost in disregard of the fact that he could fall off at any time. His gaze went over the waves bellow and to his surprise, he actually did see a bit of a beach down there. Oh. A glitter of excitement sparked in his gaze. He didn't know how he was gonna get there, but now that he knew it was there, it was the only thing he could think about.

As Myrddin leaned a bit more back, he slowly pulled up one of his legs. The movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he tilted his head, looking at the person approaching. Oh, Shyam. A small smile rose on his lips as he waved at the guard who sat down next to him. His guard didn't greet him in ways that he had done, but started scolding him in a way. As the man tilted his head, he lowered his hand. The smile slowly vanishing. Hmpf. 'I'm fine' Is what he gestured at the other. He had noted that the man had been dozing off in front of his room. He didn't understand why he needed a personal guard anyway. Well... he could understand it a little bit, but in some ways it also wasn't necessary. He knew how to defend himself pretty well. 'You look tired, you should get some sleep,' His hands continued to sign the words at the other as he pulled his other leg up from the ledge, leaning a bit more back. Shyam should relax. There was nothing out there that could actually cause him harm. Well... There were things, but he knew how to take care of himself. Although it did annoy him that the man had been assigned to him, as it was another sign of his family that they didn't trust him, he tried to not let those emotions get in the way of how he thought of the other. Yea, he could be annoying sometimes and Myrddin was quite the emotional individual, but he had improved over the years. One step at a time.

The blond man grabbed the sketchbook on his lap, reaching it out to the other as a smile came on his lip. A nod to the paper where he had sketched the scene. 'I wanna draw it from another angle' He signed at the other with his free hand. As he handed the item to him, he quickly jumped to his feet. Careless as he was he stepped closer to the edge and even leaned back over it. If he would lose his balance now, he would surely fall, but it was clear that the young man didn't seem to care or notice. He squinted his eyes and nodded at the location he had seen before, even pointing to it. Right there.

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

Shy spoke that it wasn't about him being fine and all that. Myrddin shrugged for a moment, but the man went on to talk about his mother. His mom heh... He wouldn't want that, but at the same time... He couldn't see her actually get angry. She was usually a very calm and collected person. Although, would she do something if something did happen to him? The thought kind of intrigued him, since he didn't think of her like someone who actually cared. She just wanted him to be the perfect heir and that was about it, right? He clenched his teeth as to hold himself back not to think too much about it. To cause harm to himself only to see if she cared was a foolish thought. He better got rid of that mindset, it wouldn't help anyone.

As he spoke about the other, he only reflected his own words. Myrddin squinted his eyes somewhat as he looked at him, giving him a gentle nudge with his hand in an almost playful fashion. Oh shut it you. Two can play that game eh. Well well. The smile on his lips grew wider as he looked back at the scenery. It was a beautiful morning, that much was for sure. Views like these weren't something that you could get in Lythrania. The underwater city had it's own charms, sure, but things like these were just special when you've lived under the ocean your entire life. He tilted his head as he looked at the sunrise, feeling a bit lighter in his head as he felt some of his feelings clear up. The thoughts of earlier no longer on his mind helped a lot. Perhaps he should try and remain a bit longer above the water. It was peaceful here. It was far away from duty and an inevitable future. A sigh of relief left his lips when he realized this. How he wanted this moment to last an eternity. If only that was possible... They would all live in absolute bliss.

He looked at Shyam when he gave him his sketchbook. He knew the other liked to draw as well, so he wondered if he wanted to give it a try as well. He felt happiness fall over him when he saw an actual smile on his guards lips. He rarely saw the other smile, which was a shame. He had a beautiful smile. He wanted to see the other smile more, which was perhaps a bit of a stupid thought. He just... Really liked how it looked on him. Some people just had that about him, and he happened to be one of those type of people. Myrddin smiled thankfully at the other who complimented his drawing. He loved it when people loved his work. It was something he actually poured his soul and heart into. Into his dancing, his drawing, his painting, his art. It not only brought him joy to make it, but also to let it be seen. It was a shame that he would never be able to make it his job. But so be the ways of someone who's life had been decided for him. To be an heir, was to be perfect. And even though he had a dream, he couldn't let that get in the way of his destiny.

Leaning over the ledge without much regard for his own safety... It was something he did from time to time. No care in the world about his own safety, seeking out the little adventure that his limited life would allow. But Shyam wouldn't allow it. He almost jumped up... Up and on top of him as he tackled him to the ground. Myrddin gasped for air as his eyes widened, looking up at the man on top of him. As the other spoke, locking eyes with him, he could feel himself get warmer. A red blush coming on his face as he looked at the other with wide big eyes. The man slowly blinked, before averting his eyes and placing a hand over his mouth as to cover up his blush, feeling himself become more ashamed of himself. But those feelings collapsed and made him even more red as time went on... The heir closed his eyes, trying to remain calm. Oh dear.

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

He tilted his head when the other asked him about how he felt of actually being away and being in Moonbright. He loved it, really, as he had always been locked up in the underwater city. He had only been above the water once or twice to join his family, but those were rare occasions. His mother had always wanted him to work hard and all that, so that's what he had always done. Of course, he knew what the real reason was. It was a bit weird to have a child that wouldn't speak. And back in the day he wouldn't keep his mouth shut. He could make noise, but no words, and that was just... Well, weird. It's why he never really tried anymore. As a kid he would stand in front of a mirror, trying to speak, form words. But he couldn't remember the last time he had ever done that... 'It's nice,' He signed to the other. 'Different,' Very different, but not in a bad way. Yea, he didn't like it at first because he felt the constant need to defend his city from the new capitol. But since he got to see more of Moonbright, he truly had fallen in love with the city. Yea, he was gonna miss it. 'It's nice to be away as well,' He slowly signed at the other, almost hesitantly. He didn't want too much to be known, as he was sure that his mother wouldn't be pleased if she heard this. 'How about you?'

Shyam complimented his work and he smiled, averting his eyes. Not really knowing what he had to do with compliments like that. Where he usually got compliments on his fighting and the way he wielded his spear, it was actually rare to hear something on his art. It always made him feel pretty good about himself, but it was also a reminder that it was just a mere hobby. His future didn't have place for things like that, he knew that much. A bit of a shame if you asked him. The man tilted his head, slowly bringing up his hands as to sign the last word the other had tried to make. There wasn't really a word for 'exquisite' itself, there were other synonyms that came close. He thought for a moment and slowly moved his hands to display it again, with more confidence, as to most closely resemble the sign Shy was trying to make. 'Fancy word,' he signed after that with a smile. he could appreciate the effort nonetheless.

The atmosphere shifted rapidly when the other tackled him to the ground. And where his confusion swiftly made place for a flustered expression, he hastily tried to hide his blush from the other. His heart fluttered for a moment when their eyes met and it made him panic. NOt in a bad way, no... It just made him a bit uncomfortable as he wasn't used to it. So... He quickly averted his gaze, avoiding it as much as he could. His guard quickly jumped back to his feet and for a moment the blonde man remained in the position, questioning himself. Was it normal to panic this much about someone just doing their job? He would be lying if he said that the other wasn't good at it. He was great at it, really. In the past he had even admired how good Shyam was at being a guard. He wielded his sword with much grace and equal power. Dare he even say that he had looked up at the man. To now have him as a personal guard was weird and felt displaced. He had always admired him more from afar, until a year ago. Well... There sure was a reason why the other was chosen. He was good, really good... Really... Really... good.

When the other spoke he slowly looked back at him, seeing the hand reaching out to him. He blinked rapidly, removing his hand from his face as he accepted the others help. As he rose to his feet he brought his hand through his hair and over his clothes as to get rid of some of the dust and dirt that had gotten on him. When he was finished he simply signed. 'Why not jump down?' A smile rose on his lips, teasingly. He shook his head as to indicate that he was just joking. Maybe at a safer spot he would actually do it, but not here. The current would be too strong and the pointy rocks near the edge would surely result in some broken bones. 'Lead the way,'

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

He always had such a negative view of Moonbright, but that was mostly thanks to his upbringing. Lythrania had always been his hometown and now he was bound to actually rule it one day. Something in him told him to only look positively at the city because of that, putting every other city down in the process. It may not be the right way of thinking, but it was how he was dealing with it. But this trip really had changed his mind. Something in him wondered, even if it was for just a moment, if he shouldn't travel the world. Leave it all behind and just go. Because, perhaps, there was indeed more out there then just these painful feelings and a future that he didn't want. But as soon as those thoughts came to him, he shook them off. He had worked too hard to give up now. Shy spoke of his experience and he looked at the guard for a moment. It was different? He shrugged for a moment. Maybe, but he didn't think much about it. The other was forced to come here because of him and he came because he was a spoiled idiot that couldn't control himself. They really weren't the same on the regard. Not that he looked down on the other, he rarely had those types of views on people. The high and mighty act was just simply that; an act. He was a very simple man when it actually came down to it. He respected the other so much for all he had achieved so far. Even back in the day when he was more rebellious in the guard and had been a pain the ass, had he looked up to the other. He had been his superior back then. It was both sad and funny how things could change like that.

What Shyam said next, made him look up at him. He was opening up more? He felt his face become hotter when realization hit him. The fact that the other complimented him, made him feel happy. But that was the problem. He shouldn't be happy about something like that, let alone feel like this at all. He was like a damn puppy when genuine compliments like these were thrown at him. Big eyes and a stupid smile on his face, all flustered because it came from such an unpredictable place. It was so different from the other compliments he got on the daily; about his appearance and his talents. Myr averted his gaze for a moment as he took a deep breath, trying to hold down his happiness from showing. His face didn't change much, but perhaps a soft blush did appear. Not because he was ashamed, but simply because he felt happy. It caught him off guard, but he was quick enough to act on it. 'You shouldn't say stuff like that,' he signed at the other. 'It isn't very professional,' It really wasn't. And besides.... Deep down the comment didn't sit right with him. Was he really opening up? Acting more and more out of line? Was he doing something wrong? His mind really only cared about such things at the end of the day, because that was his one goal. He shook his head somewhat, before bringing his hand through his blonde hair. Maybe he was simply commenting on his playful nature that had been coming out more. Well, that couldn't be helped. If he felt comfortable around someone he just simply acted how he felt. It was something he usually did around Keijo, but Shyam was starting to see glances of it too. He was just an idiot at the end of the day, simple minded and easy to please. But that wasn't very becoming of an heir now, was it.

He softly smiled for a moment when the other spoke again about his art, looking at the others hand when he signed the thing. He was so talented, it had always fascinated him how much the other could do and learn. He was perhaps the closest thing someone could say perfection was. In his eyes, at least. He was handsome, gentle, kind... Helpful. Soft. He knew so much about so many things. He was a strong fighter, elegant in his own ways. His strengths were his own and he shined every time when he displayed them. He loved to spar with the other because of it. Even though fighting wasn't his passion and mainly did it for his work, it really became enjoyable when he could do it with him. It didn't really matter if every step was perfect whenever he was doing it with him. He was more focused on him, then on himself. A bad thing, really, as he should always try to better himself. But how could he lose focus on something so stunning? People were truly at their best when they were in action and he was no different. A dynamic so stunning he sometimes wanted to put it an art. If the other knew that he had sketched him countless of times before... Well... He would surely sink through the ground of shame.

After all that, the fall and the somewhat... Awkward situation... Life went on as per usual, as if nothing had happened between them. But Myrddin could feel his heart still race. He really hadn't expected all that. Being caught off guard in so many ways had made his body act out in ways he wasn't all too familiar with. Just ignore it, it will go away. So... As a way of distraction, he just made stupid comments, acted in ways that would put the both of them in a more comfortable place. Because well, he wasn't stupid. He truly felt embarrassed for the way he had responded to it all and Shyam... Oh... Dear Lythrana, he probably thought he was a stupid idiot after this. Oh well... He most likely thought he was a moron deep down. He knew him too well after all, knew some of his flaws and his mistakes. Being at his side most of the time and all that. He had known him when he wasn't such a pleasant person to be around, so he also knew some of his history. Yeah. He wasn't a perfect image for the other and that did bother him sometimes... But there was little he could change about that now. After all, he should have been happy that someone he already knew had been appointed his personal guard. Even though he didn't want one to begin with.

Shyam didn't think his joke was all that funny by the look of that glare, so Myrddin just shot him a big, innocent smile. Hah. But he softened up eventually and his smile became more genuine when he spoke. The other started to move and Myrddin followed swiftly. For a moment his hand reached to his back, making sure he still had his staff by hand. The thing was still there, it wouldn't fall off. He took a deep breath, letting his eyes go over the waves below. It made him think again about what had just happened... And for a moment a soft blush appeared on his face once more. He placed on of his hands on his face as to cover it up, feeling his face glow as he did. Oh dear Lythrana why was he like this? Better get down to that beach quickly, perhaps a quick dip in the water would cool him down.

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

He wasn't scared of what was to come, but he was a bit concerned. If this kind of behaviour continued when they got back, they would be in trouble. Or well, he would be mostly. And that was the thing that always held him back from just being himself. He always acted the ways that were uphold for him and for a long time that resulted in him not knowing who he really was. Finding yourself when you never had the chance to explore that... Well, it was quite the task. So the words that were spoken, they were genuine, but still a bit playful. Because right now it didn't matter how it went or what they did, because there was no-one to see them make those mistakes. Above the water they were somewhat free to do and go as they pleased. Still with limits, but it was better then down there. Back in his cage, where he would be restricted to being a display animal. He smiled softly when Shyam asked if he should be professional now, but didn't answer him. He just averted his eyes as he kept that dumb smile on his lips. It didn't really matter, it was just something he pointed out. But the guard was smart enough to know what he meant. He knew that seeing that part of him wasn't just 'because he felt like it'. He never acted like this in the underwater city... And that was for a good reason. He should know that too.

So they went to the place Myrddin had seen from the cliff. And he followed the other, carefully peaking over the edge every now and then to get a glance of the chaos below. The sensation of the dangers that were just right there made his smile wider. He felt himself get more excited the more they moved, going over parts that weren't as wide as the previous ones... And so on. He let his foot slide over the edge, elegantly so. Playing with the risks that came with it. He twirled around, letting his grey eyes go to the other every so often as to not get a response from him. But he was too busy keeping an eye on the path in front of him. The blonde man took the opportunity to let his footwork go a bit more extreme, letting the dangers of his actions intertwine with more precision. He was like a kid almost as he gracefully let the slow movements, that looked a lot like dance, be his walk. Small jumps and twirling, it was all part of it. He was just having fun with it. And that was just a part of him that he couldn't hold back. Because why should he? There was no-one here to watch him, beside him. And if he wanted to let that joy run wild... He should. For he wasn't able to do it as a kid... Or even now... When he was home. It was the only freedom he would ever taste... And it was so sweet. He hungered for more.

He came to a halt, keeping his hands somewhat up as he paused his movements, staring at Shy jumping over a gap. He blinked, tilting his head. As his eyes scanned the gap, he looked back up at the dark haired man. 'You'll catch me?' He signed at the man with a smile on his lips as he took a step back... Two steps back. 'If not, move,' he signed with a smirk on his face. It was more meant as a cheeky remark, nothing more. He smiled and took off. He didn't need to take a sprint to jump over this, but he still did. And as he jumped up, he underestimated himself. His eyes widened as he went straight for the other. Panic setting in. Shit, he was gonna crash into him, wasn't he?

❝ I'll never be that me again ❞

A benefit of being mute was the fact that he could just not reply at all on certain things and it would never be seen as strange or questionable, unless you knew him a little bit. Myrddin secretly hoped that Shyam didn't think much about the fact that he didn't reply to his question, as the conversation was already carried too far from what he was comfortable with. Not that he felt like he couldn't share it with him. That wasn't the issue. It was more the issue that he felt like he could do it. It signified how close they truly had become. The blonde man didn't open up easily to others, always trying to seek out that perfection that his family wanted from him. And Lythrana knew he had tried and worked so hard to reach it. He had given up on so much in his life just to get here. And it would take a whole lot for him to finally let go of it. It had been drilled into his brain, into his very being. A curse he now had to carry for as long as he clenched himself onto it.

The way down was a fun one, or well, he made it fun for himself by intertwining it with some fluent motions he sometimes used while dancing. Shyam warned him and all he did was smile at him for a moment. He worried too much. He was fine. Perhaps the way he acted was more childish than he would want, it was just how he felt. He didn't feel like he had to hide away and pretend here. Out of sight for the entire city they had enough privacy to be who they wanted to be; or well who he wanted to be. The other always seemed honest with himself, something he really looked up to. He could never be like that even if he wanted. Sharing who he really was with the world would be unbecoming of his title and name. Sometimes it made him a bit jealous of the other. To just have a simple life and name where no person turned heads for. No-one eyed you up and down, trying to prey on every opportunity of weakness. People really were awful beings at the end of the day, but some showed how truly wonderful they were. An exception to the rule and Shyam was the prime example for it.

Shy jumped first and Myrddin prepared himself to follow. Teasing the other a bit as he took a few steps back... Before finally taking off. He was surprised by the momentum he was able to make and when gravity pulled back at his body, he panicked. His eyes widened as he headed straight for the other. He didn't have much time to brace for impact as they soon collided with one another. The other had caught him however, pulling him closer as he quickly clenched onto him. His arms wrapping around him as he felt the panic had a hold on him. But the whole motion made them fall, a movement that caused him to fall even more towards him. He closed his eyes, preparing himself for the second impact that would surely be more painful. But it didn't really... Follow. How curious.

He slowly opened his eyes, blinking slowly as he loosened up his arms a bit. He had wrapped them around the other’s neck, pulling them both closer when they had fallen. He was now on top of his guard, looking him straight into his dark eyes. His grey gaze quickly went over the other, as if he didn't know what to look at. And then it set in how close they really were. Their noses barely touching, their faces just a couple of inches away from one another. Myrddin held his breath when he realized, his head moving a bit back as soon as he realized how close they were. His arms loosened up as he leaned back, placing one hand on the ground next to them so that could stabilize himself. 'I'm so sorry, are you okay?' he signed with his free hand as a blush crept over his face. He could clearly remember that they had touched each other for just a mere second... And he honestly panicked even more at the thought. He had his eyes closed, it had been while falling, surely the other wouldn't think much of it... right?