There was pain everywhere.

Eli didn’t mind the physical part of it that much. There was his headache, his muscles had turned stiffer, he was even slowly loosing his strength. He supposed that was one frustrating part of it, considering he needed it to work on his weapon. But overall, he was managing. No, the physical part he could life with.

It were the sleepless nights, the moments of rest he had to take more often and often inbetween work, the early mornings and late nights, the restlessness in his hands, that was pulling him apart. Like every time he put down the book his hands were constantly in anticipation, waiting for the moment he picked it up again. And then there were the voices. Eli wasn’t sure when they had started to whisper, and he knew they weren’t really there, he knew he shouldn’t listen, but it was hard to ignore the people whom you longed to hear the most from.

Eli was painfully aware of the fact that he might be slowly losing his sanity.

He had read a lot about magic before he fully decided that the positives outweighed the negatives. So somewhere he knew using dark magic this often was a terrible idea. But he also knew that he wouldn’t get better at it if he didn’t, and there was a very specific thing he had in mind that he needed a lot more skills for.  And ever since his visit to the church, ever since he’d abandoned the useless need to satisfy and worship Renestrae, sitting still just wasn’t an option anymore.

So most days the pain was worth it, the sleepless nights and shaking hands, he accepted it all as if it was his destiny to live like this.

But not today.

Today it had been ten years. And he had tried, to go back to work, but his mind didn’t want to work with him today. Eli’s attempts were useless. His entire plan seemed useless. What exactly was he trying to prove? That his magic could help him further than his faith? Who was he to decided that? He questioned all his decisions over and over, until he simply wondered what he’d done to deserve to live. Why him? Why not them?

Before he knew what he was doing he’d grabbed his coat and went on his way. He didn’t like to walk outside much anymore. There were too many people, too much distraction. But Eli welcomed the fresh air gratefully. The crowd began to run thinner when he came closer to the church. He stared at the building for a moment, heart heavy, feeling the anger arise from merely looking at the stone walls. He wasn’t here for that today. Eli walked to the graveyard. The anger turned into sadness as he carefully and respectfully walked pass the gravestones. He’d spend this day for the past ten years in this place. It was easy to recognize the stones he was looking for. He made sure they were looked after. They shone just as brightly as ten years ago. Eli absentmindedly run a finger over the expensive stone. What would they think if they saw him now?

Eli hated this day. More than any other day. And still he couldn’t ignore it. He had tried to stay inside, lay in bed reading all day or find a distraction elsewhere. But no matter what he did, he always ended up here: in the graveyard, in front of the graves of his family. He had stopped trying to get rid of the feeling he wanted to run away from the day of their deaths. Instead, he’d sat with that feeling, had excepted it like an old friend, and over the years it had turned into something else entirely.

Especially today, on the tenth anniversary. A lot had happened in ten years. Eli had build up a live for himself. But not one he enjoyed living. Not a day had passed in those ten years that he hadn’t thought about getting revenge. It was the thing that got him up in the morning, the thing that got him through another day. It had been idle, though, the feeling. It had sparked a flame strong enough to keep him going, but never had he let it take control of him.

Until recently.

Eli was done waiting for revenge to come to him. Ten years and not a soul who had wondered what had happend to the Dumont’s. Ten years and no one who had questioned their deaths. As he stared at the names on the gravestones, he only got angrier. He couldn’t feel grief, after ten years he didn’t have space for sadness anymore. It had proved no use for him.

“To whoever is watching, I suggested you stop.” Eli’s voice broke a silence he didn’t even notice was there. It send a shiver down his spine. But despite the quiet, he knew he was being watched. He could feel the eyes on him, and he didn’t like being observed.t