When he left Alison on her own in the garden he almost immediately wanted to turn back around and apologise. Instead, he did what he did best. He sat down in the library that just so happened to be at then end hall where his bedroom was with a view of both the frontside of the house as well as the gardens. On a good day it was the perfect place to read, but now he sat down on the sofa while the walls felt like they were coming closer and closer.

He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just be happy with the woman he was going to marry. Things were going so well before Edward Winter showed up, so why ruin them the second he arrived? Weren’t they allowed to be glad they were ending up together and just have teenager like feelings for a few hours? There were so many men jealous of this arrangement that would switch places with him in a heartbeat, so many men that would never understand why they chose Faolan out of all of them. Maybe he would never fully understand it himself either. Just like he didn’t understand why he left her out there and run away from his problems once again.

Of course, most of his behaviour came from his childhood and weren’t a conscious decision, but after all those years of acting the way he did it was confronting. It felt as if Alison held a mirror in front of him the entire time and just made him look at himself. Made him see every smallest bit that he hated and tried to hide so deep down, just for her to dig it back up.

She made Faolan feel like he had to to reach in to his chest and feel his heart, tender and soft as it was, protected by the thorns it had grown over the years to resist it being bruised.

When he finally touched his heart though, out there in the garden with Alison, he became uncomfortably and painfully aware of how human he was once again. How weak, brittle and above all how tired he was. How he wants and needs just like everyone else, no matter how hard he tried to fight and rise above such things.



He had given himself one full day to drown in his self pity. One day. 24 hours. In those hours he didn’t leave his room unless it was absolutely necessary. He had closed his eyes and exhaled with his face buried in his hands. He had felt the weight of everything all at once and nothing at the same time. Faolan was always expected more of himself than anyone else does and at that moment it was crushing him.

After those hours though, he pulled himself back together and decided to face his fiancée again. They had both gotten some time apart and think about what happened. About what Faolan had done, most likely.


By the time everything was ready the sun was already shining brightly. The leather of two sets of reigns in his hands felt familiar and exciting. There were two horses, one standing on each side of him. A stunning grey on his left and a black one on his right. Of course, the one on his right side was his. A stallion without a name, even though it had been his for a few years now. Perhaps Alison could help him finally give the horse a name. If she wanted to see him.

He waited outside for a few minutes as a servant made it’s way inside to get his fiancée. No horses allowed inside, of course. Which was quite odd considering the amount of Winter women that somewhat resembled a horse. (Not Alison of course. She was perfect).

When she finally stepped outside every word he had so carefully picked and thought through disappeared from his mind and left him speechless. ”Hi. Faolan begun. ”I would like to apologise for my behaviour the other day and ask you to join me on a ride?” His pale grey eyes found hers and he hoped her answer would be yes or this would be terribly embarrassing. Faolan liked horses, sure, but riding wasn’t his passion as much as it was Alison’s.

Of course, with some Winters having horse like features, he had to be engaged to the woman with the stubborn personality of a donkey. Faolan liked that about her, but not when he had an entire day planned for them that he had been working on for a few days now. It was nothing big but they had been together for a few months and there was yet to be an ‘official first date’ between them. Just the two of them spending time together doing couple-y things without the worry of who they were supposed to be in front of others. Just them. That was what he needed. Without fathers interrupting or servants barging in and disturbing the peace.

At first, he wanted to give the reigns to Jack and let him take the horse back to it’s stables. He decided though, that this would be the first time he’d show he actually had a backbone. ”No. You’re coming with me, peach.” He wasn’t sure where the nickname had come from, he had tried various ones in his head but none seemed to work. Though he wasn’t sure if this one worked either. If he was being honest with himself they all felt cringe worthy and like he was a twelve year old, but he knew Alison liked nicknames, even if it was just a shorter version of her name. Once again his pale eyes found hers as one of his eyebrows rose slowly in a questioning manner, silently asking her if she would send him away.

Of course he would immediately regret the nickname. The second it rolled from his lips and filled the air between them he could feel the palms of his hands growing hot. He took her bright red cheeks as a positive response to the nickname he used though. Alison closed the distance between them and placed her hand on his wrist, leaving him to catch his breath for a second. ”What are you doing?” She was gorgeous. Faolan had let go of the reigns in his hand, allowing his horse to graze while he wrapped his arm around Alison her waist, pulling her against his chest. ”Kissing you today, hopefully.” A gentle breeze played with the loose strands framing her face and for a second he let go of the reigns of the mare as well to tuck them behind her ear. From the corner of his eye he could see Jack taking the reigns from him and awkwardly stare at the sky in an attempt to give them their privacy whilst still doing his work.

”And of course taking you on a date, if you’ll let me.” He then added softly, pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead. ”It’s completely understandable if you say no, I was an asshole after all.” With those words being whispered in her ear he pressed a kiss just below her earlobe. He tried his best to show her that he was in fact interested in her and perhaps slowly getting feelings, romantic feelings, for the blonde in his arms. That was why he tried to show her that he did with his touches, they were far from his comfort zone but at that moment he didn’t mind. His heart started beating against his chest like a wild animal locked away in a cage made of flesh and bone. It felt as if it wanted to break out and jump in the arms of the woman in front of him, begging him to let her take care of the organ. It felt like with every beat the words he had only ever read on paper came closer and closer to escaping the prison that were his lips and teeth, but he kept them down, pressed his lips and jaw together. Locking them away with his oh so fragile heart that longed to be wanted, loved.

There was a sparkle of hope in his pale eyes as he waited for her answer, calming the raging beast that was his heart.

His way of showing his feelings towards someone would never be through loving touches or words being said. It would be acts of service. It would be him, picking up his favourite book and annotating it for the person his heart wanted, even though his brain would tell him not to. He would annotate the books for that person and gift it to them. A book with his heart and soul written down on every page. It would be more intimate for him than getting naked together could ever be. Faolan hoped he would have that with the blonde in front of him one day. He would make sure they would have that one day.

With him pressing soft kisses to both her forehead and underbeath her ear a small smile made it's way on his rosy cheeks. He wanted to go further. Press his lips against hers and hope that she still tasted like fresh peaches. Faolan wanted to kiss her but the everlasting fear of her not wanting him held him back. It clawed at his throat, his head, with claw like nails and bit him with razor sharp teeth. Thoughts drove his mind crazy and his hands started to shake ever so slightly while he cupped her cheek and gently moved his thumb over her cheekbone. ”Stop being so mean.” Alison pleaded him softly. ”Please.”

There hung a silence between them. A silence that could last the rest of their marriage if he ruined it right now. ”How am I being mean?” Faolan whispered with a deep frown on his forehead.

One of the first dreams he could remember was that he had dreamt of the sea. He had once read a book about it, well his brother had read it to him at the times they were supposed to be asleep, but he had dreamt of it. He had dreamt of a big boat with a pirates flag, waves crashing against the side of his boat and his brother being there with him. At first it was just the two of them, but slowly the shadows stepped into the sun and turned into people. The few friends he made on the way. A partner he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and have children with. The shape of the partner was never very clear, but if he were to have that same dream now, he knew it would slowly begin to take the shape of a certain blonde woman. It would be blurry and vague, but it would be her.

That thought terrified him.

Not because it would be Alison, but the boat. It was a metaphor for so many things in his life and if she would be there on the boat with him, if he let her into his heart, she would see who he truely was inside. She would get to see every ripple and every ship that had sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

”You tease me. You lure me in with your sweet words and your beautiful face…” Faolan couldn’t help the almost teasing smile that crept up his cheeks. ”You think I’m beautiful?” Then, Alison filled the air between them with more honest feelings and he couldn’t help but wonder how she still stood here when he made her question all those things.

”You are-“ his tongue felt strange in his mouth. ”You are so much more to me than just an arragnement, Alison.” Was it love? No, perhaps not yet love in the way they wanted to love each other, but for now it was love in a way that was just as important. It was a comfortable feeling. ”I like you, I really do and I am truely ashamed of my behaviour.” He now matched the sad look on her face. More hidden behind the walls perhaps, but it was there and visible for her.

Carefully, almost like he doing the simple task of taking off his shoes, he did just that. He matched the sad look on her face because he felt the same. There he was. All skin and bone without a carefully build armour around everything that made Faolan who he was. Slowly he moved his hand up to cup her cheek. ”Give me one last chance to show you how I actually feel about this. Us.” Her cheek felt warm in his cold hand. If she said no he would accept that answer and their relationship would be purely buisness, but if she let him have this last chance to show her the feelings he truely felt, he would make the most of it.

One way to describe Faolan would be the ocean. Something he once loved so very dearly and he now feared. Yes. Faolan was the ocean. Terrified of himself and how he would drag people with him when the tides would change. He was a calm, flat ocean, but with dark grey clouds softly rumbling high in the sky. At least that was how he presented himself. In reality he felt more like a swimmer in a tidal wave. It's funny how we sometimes grow to be the thing we fear the most.

But, perhaps he was the stars. Only seen when the night was at it's darkest. Only fully seen from the corners of your eyes.

Alison placed her hand on top of his and all his worries disappeared at once. They could make this work. They would. Faolan brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of her hand. "Will you join me now, my lady?" Faolan took the reigns in his free hand again and waited for her answer once more, though he was more certain now that she would actually say yes. There was a small glint of joy in his eyes. Where they would usually be as calm, yet deceiving as the calm ocean just before a thunderstorm, he was now showing her every ripple in the water that the wind created.

He softened himself as much as possible. Just for Alison.