I've got 99 problems and you are all of them

❝ But despite it all, I was powerless ❞

After the scuffle happened between Shyam and Ezekiel, he had lost it almost completely. But luckily for him he was able to calm down in time. Another healer had to show up again, fix the things he had undone in his panic, and prescribe him another dose of painkilling medication. He had just looked at the dark haired man while it all happened. Not angry or disappointed... Or upset. But worried. He had gently tugged at the sleeve of the healer when he was about to leave, gesturing to his guard who had also been damaged in the little fight they had had. He had seen the blood, the bruises and the other damage that had unfolded all because the situation had hit a boiling point. It wasn't even that bad, but it worried him. And so he just asked for it to be looked over. Just... looked over. Because he didn't want him to suffer from something like that if he didn't had to. That would be too cruel... Especially since all eyes always seemed to go back to him. He was fine, now move on to people more important than him... Please. He was just a houseplant after all right now. Useless in every way, shape and form. Just good enough to look at, maybe... Well, maybe not even that. He looked like absolute shit right now.

The door swung open and he turned his head a bit. His eyes averting from the other as he let out a soft sigh. What was Caelum doing here? He didn't need to be here right now. Not after what had happened. It would only make everything worse if he made Shy pissed off. Everyone was on edge, including him. And he was getting tired of it. Only just a few hours ago had he been bleeding on the floor, almost ready to meet his fathers dearest. Why couldn't he even catch a break when he had almost died? It was honestly brutal. His nephew approached the bed and he blinked slowly, tilting his face somewhat upwards as to meet his gaze. He was angry... But that wasn't a huge surprise. He knew the other was just acting like this anyway. Or maybe it truly were his emotions that were getting the better of him. He wasn't too sure. That boy had always been somewhat of a wildcard anyway.

And then he went on a ramble. Myrddin looked at the ground as the other went on and on... And on. He had responsibilities. Right. He knew that much. He nodded at that, letting the rest of the words wash over him. He knew that... And then it followed, finally. Two words that no-one had even offered him since it happened. Everyone had simply assumed, pushing blame and violence on people. And whatever he had to say was just overlooked. Because, well, what would he know. He was the one that had experienced it all... So didn't he have a right to state what all this was about...? He looked up at him, trying to look brave... But failing miserably. He was so damn tired... And numbed by countless potions. He could honestly use a good nap right about now, but duty called. Sleep had to wait.

He lifted his hands as he started to sign. 'Ezekiel and I got in a disagreement, I lost control over my familiar and said some hurtful things, which caused him to use his bear,' He didn't need to add more details then that. With how he was laying her, even a toddler could connect the dots. 'I'll be back on my feet in a week, no big deal,' he finished it up his signing, as if his legs weren't broken. He laid back a bit as he sighed, closing his eyes. A week... Just give him a week... He would be fine a week. He had to be.

❝ But despite it all, I was powerless ❞

He didn't want to be confronted with everything once more. But on the other hand it also felt pretty good to finally be able to explain the situation to someone who was willing to actually listen. A rarity within these walls. So he just told his cousin what had happened, stating afterwards that he would be better soon. In his own little head that would be the case. Or well, it was his wish to be. Because in the long wrong, he didn't have the time nor the patient to sit this one out until it was all better. He knew that, the others knew that much. Like Caelum had said, he had responsibilities. In a lot of ways he really was like the voice in the back of his mind, constantly pushing him back to press on and keep going on that path that laid before him. He was right, and he knew it.

The other started by the fact that he needed better control over his familiar. He simply nodded. That was fair. He had been thinking about it too, but he was honestly terrified. Whereas Ezekiel had a powerful beast that could tear bodies apart, he had a creature that was way too smart for its own good. Almost a person in her own right. Her words and ways of peaking had more calculated reason then one would think. But she was just a fraction of that most inner dialogue he could never stop. She was the thing that wanted to keep going. His flame, his passion. His emotions, his heart. And that was the scary part of it all. Because words could be so much hurtful than wounds could ever be. The incident had made that much clear. Caelum added onto his statement, which also confirmed his own judgement. He looked at him for a moment, nodding. He was trying... really. But it was hard.

The subject of his injuries had been one he would rather avoid, but his cousin had to bring it up. His legs had been put in a way that he couldn't move them or use them. With some light wood and other material, both of them had been bandaged off as to keep everything from really showing off, but also covering the splint in the process. He hadn't looked at them since, but the other had to point them out, of course. He looked at the corner of the room for a moment. Clearly avoiding the others gaze. And he nodded. Yes. They were broken. 'Healers can speed it up,' Maybe, but even then it wouldn't be a week. He was being delusional once more, but he was desperate. He couldn't stay here. His eyes trailed back to his nephew as a sigh left his lips. 'I'm sorry, I just wanted to help him,' And it had gotten out of hand... Because no-one could ever do things normally in this family, ever.

❝ But despite it all, I was powerless ❞

Facing anything but the other was the best thing he could do right now. He honestly didn't really feel like... Facing anyone right about now. He was tired. And to have a visit at this time, only shortly after he had regained his conscious and had another sort of fight escalate right in front of him. He was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. He needed a break, desperately so. But he knew better then anyone else that he wasn't going to take a break, not even in the slightest. He was going to rest for a week, tops, then he would look for a way to get back on his feet. He couldn't slow down on his training, nor his duties. It was the burden he carried with him. And if he gave up now, it would have been all for nothing.

The other shook his head on his words, stating that it wouldn't be healed in a weak. He had to strengthen up afterwards as well. He nodded, knowing damn well that he had to do that. 'I'll manage, I always do' Which was true. He always got it done, regardless of the obstacles. Regardless of how much he suffered. He always pushed on, head on. This was just a set back that would take up more time than usual. And that was annoying, but not something they couldn't fix. Broken bones could be healed... And a weakened body could be trained again. All he needed was time. It was the only resource that would allow him to be better, to get better. So the less he took of it, the better.

It remained silent between them for a bit... And the blond man slowly looked at his cousin. His grey eyes weren't as stern as they usually were. Or what he usually put up for the public to see. They were soft and fragile... And deep. Deep with emotions of everything that had just happened and everything that were to happen. He knew that whatever the future would hold, it wouldn't be pretty. This was the mere starting point of a bigger disaster to happen. A start signal... Caelum finally spoke again. Asking him about the why and the... Disagreement. Myrddin averted his eyes from the older man, looking at his own hands for a moment as he tried to puzzle the incident back together. He still couldn't tell what really happened after the first strike hit him, but what had happened after had been ingrained in his mind as wild growing weed. It was the whole reason why he was dragging himself down so much.

'Ezekiel was training with a boy,' he signed slowly, recalling that morning with such clarity. 'He looked good and I felt confident to tackle an issue that we haven't discussed in a while,' He paused, slowly blinking as he tried to remember the exact words that had been spoken. 'I informed him that I wanted him to train with me, with his summoning,' Like a captain should do. And even if he wasn't a captain, it was something that he would do once he had to take over from his mother. 'He said no, I pressed on. He said no once again, walked away and...' He stopped, shaking his head as he sighed. 'I was upset he didn't listen and my familiar opened her mouth, stating those awful thoughts to him,' He hated himself for that. 'And then I got what I asked for.' He had summoned. But not in the way he had asked. In a way to hurt him, tear him apart. Myrddin took a deep breath as he shook his head, feeling a wave of nausea wash over him once more. How could he say those things? How...?

❝ But despite it all, I was powerless ❞

With everything still fresh in his mind, it wasn't too difficult to put it down into words. But the hard part was to actually process it, live it all over again. Yet, he held on, surprisingly well even. Despite the sick feeling rolling over him in waves, he could quickly calm himself down. The traumatic event had done its damage, on more than one level, but the fact that the young heir held on so nicely was evidence on how strong he really was. He had been through hell, torn apart by a monster and seen the world shake before his eyes as he tried to put the pieces back together with shaking hands. He had been so powerless over the past few hours... And yet, he held on. He didn't collapse and cried... He didn't overflow with emotions of anger of what the people had done to him. He didn't paralyze in complete fear for what his brother had done to him. No. He held his head upwards, tilting it in a bowing motion as he still carried on with what was asked of him. Doing his duties to the best of his capabilities. Even if he was tired, even if he had been at death's doorstep just mere hours ago. But it wasn't as if anyone noticed. Perhaps the only person who would, was Shyam. A man who paid such close attention to every detail of him that he could see what he was doing, to himself and the world around him. Myrddin was already building those broken walls back up. Never, at any point in this incident, had he truly been weak. There was no weakness in being soft, after all. It was just another way of dealing with the sadness.

His cousin stated he needed better control over his familiar and the blonde man nodded in agreement to him. He had a fantastic bond with the creature, but due to her intelligence and connection they shared she could almost act as if she, herself, was a person. And he knew she could, because something she felt like a stranger. She was those intrusive thoughts, sometimes the part of him that he so hated.... BUt also the part that caught him off guard every time. She was everything he had under the surface. Ugly, mean, but also truthful, regal and righteous. In so many ways everything he had to be, but couldn't. She was him, but without that filter he held so desperately onto. Caelum went on to speak about his brother and he averted his eyes, shrugging slightly. He really didn't know. But what he did know, is that the man could have killed him if he wanted to. How did he know? Because he had told him... And those words still hurt him so very deeply. It were cruel things to state to such a fragile person. The other went on and he simply looked down at his hands... Ah...

He mulled over his mind slowly, his eyes going back to the other sorcerer as he nodded. 'I told him he didn't have the right to mock my magic if he couldn't control his own,' he signed. A heated thing that the bird had brought out in the moment. 'And then it went too far, because I almost said that Ezekiel wasn't deserving of being a Vylasar if he didn't summon,' He averted his eyes, looking down at his own hands, clearly feeling shame for what words had left the beak of his familiar. 'I was frustrated because he was saying some stupid things as well. I was just thinking it because I was frustrated I swear, I didn't mean it,' His hands started to slow as he shook his head, placing one hand against his face as he leaned back, letting out a heavy sigh as he closed his eyes. He had been such an idiot. He should have just let it all be back then. THen none of this would have happened. This is why he never trusted in himself and his judgement. 'He did nothing wrong,' he slowly signed with his one hand, shaking his head ever so slightly. In many ways he never wanted to confront Ezekiel ever again. But he knew that he had to, eventually.... ANd he was already terrified of that day.

❝ But despite it all, I was powerless ❞

There was a point in the whole conversation that Myrddin could sense a peculiar feeling. One he was all too familiar with. It made his stomach turn, but not in a sickening way. No. It just slowly made its way past his stomach, to his throat, where he could feel the muscles tense up. But once more it didn't remain long there. As it rolled over to his head, where he could feel an emptiness grow the second that tiny seed landed. That all consuming and ever lasting feeling of self hate. It had returned once more. And as the tiny creature it was now, he knew that it would start to feast soon. Growing into one of the many monsters that occupied his mind, pushed out the good, the light and the happy. That one little space he had freed up ever since... But even that was starting to become even more fleeting, wasn't it? Everything good always left. Never remaining. It was a curse he had carried for his entire life. Never being truly loved, never being perfect enough for the people around him. He had nothing to give that the world hadn't already stripped away from him. He had nothing to look for, as he had never seen what things he should desire for. And now, at a moment where he had finally seen a glimpse of a future he wanted. Him. Just him. Not his mother's, or his cousin's, or anyone's. Just his. His perfect little dream future... Well... It just all started to crumble away. Pieces slowly dissolving before him one at a time. He couldn't figure out a puzzle where the pieces had already been lost to.

He just felt defeated. Tired. Tired of everything that had happened, but also tired of the fact that this was still the life that the gods had granted him. Tired of the never ending struggle of never being good enough. Tired of the fact that his body felt like it could shatter at any moment. Tired of the fact that he had to hide away and suffocate his own feelings. He was just tired... That he could never get a win. Never could he raise his head proudly and feel... Truly happy. And the blonde boy wasn't one to believe that everyone was out to get him. No... He had just started to see what kind of joke his life was. And for every good thing, five horrid events had to occur. When would it all be enough? When would he be at his limits? There was no reason to ask a why anymore, as he knew the answer perfectly fine of the top of his head. Anyone with just a handful of braincells could know that. Anyone with eyes could see that. No matter how blind they were. Putting in energy for something that was always bound to happen, was meaningless. All he could wish for, was to know when it would all end... So he could finally get his well deserved rest.

He just nodded as Caelum told him they both did something wrong, not having the energy to fight him back or put up a proper discussion. How many times would he have to tell the tale? How many different type of versions would manifest from his stories alone? How troublesome. The young heir averted his eyes when the man went on, clearly avoiding meeting his eyes as he did. Make up again? He was certain that in many ways, there was perhaps nothing to make up for anymore. That little sliver of trust that had remained, had been shattered in a matter of seconds. Myrddin was horrified of his brother now, even if he didn't want to be. The mere thought of the man drove his heart to beat faster, his breathing to heighten and his muscles to tense up. An old flight or fight response that would most likely never fade away. He slowly raised his shoulders, shrugging slowly. The movement so slow, it was barely noticeable. Sure, he would try. Because it was his duty to fix and make thing better. He had to be the good thing here, the one piece his family wanted him to be. He had already screwed up so many other things.

And when his cousin told him to get rest, Myrddin turned his back to him as he pulled the blanket over his head. Curling up in the bed he closed his eyes. Tears welling up as he tried to push away the awful memories of what had happened today. They were starting to intertwine with some of the good and a lot of the bad of the past. And... He honestly... didn't want to face their past selves again. The accident had already been enough for now.